There are almost 8 billion people in the world. There are 4,000 religions that worship 2500 different versions of gods and God. Of all the times and all the places in the world and all the families and cultures you could have been born into… how can you be so sure that your’s is The Right One?
People who don’t question it, people who don’t look at themselves and the church they’ve always gone to and don’t reflect on the doctrines and dogmas that their religion teach? Those people are the most close-minded, backwards, hard-hearted people on the planet.
I believe in God because there is an unshakable faith in me that refuses to let me go, but people and religion and one of hundreds of Holy Books and re-translated Bibles? I have a much harder time committing my whole belief-system around. The religion I grew up in taught us People are the hands and feet and representation of Christ here on earth. And then when you point out hurt and hypocrisy that happens in churches… we’re told not to let that drive us from religion. But in a lot of ways, that’s all we’ve got!!! Someone who is supposed to know more than us, standing on a pulpit, telling us how to love God and love each other. And if he (because it’s ALWAYS A MAN) does it wrong, where does that leave anyone?? Searching for a new church, where you don’t know anyone, feeling like an outsider and always the new guy.
I’m so tired of feeling like I’m wrong. I’m wrong if I question it. I’m wrong if I accept things the church doesn’t. I’m wrong if I do everything right!! I am wrong for being a woman, for being a human, for having feelings and thoughts and emotions. Pride is sinful. Sloth is sinful. Lust is sinful. But even if your pride is in doing good work. Or singing well. Or just having any self-esteem. You are being prideful. Keep yourself humble! You’re not humble enough! Taking a break is sinful, that’s lazy, that’s slothful. Work yourself to the bone for God. Having a sex-drive is sinful, it keeps you from God. Even if the only person you’ve ever slept with is your spouse.
When everything you do is constantly being measured against an impossible standard, how are you supposed to know and understand the security of God’s love, the GIFT of salvation. There is literally nothing you can DO to earn it. And that doesn’t stop every religion from trying to strip you down… but they NEVER build you back up again. They keep you low, wiggling like a worm, never fully accepting your salvation and gatekeeping it from others who don’t believe exactly as you do.
God is not looking for reasons to keep anyone out of heaven. There is no gate. And I think God can go by many names. I don’t believe He’s sitting on a thrown, smiling at only the Christians and ready to burn the rest for eternity.
I’ve been lost for a while. I’ve been told I’m a blasphemer by someone I trust and love. I’ve been told that my questions are pulling me away from salvation. But I don’t believe that. If anything, I feel more convicted of the undeniable truth of God’s love, the fallibility of humanity, but also the deep need we have for community and fellowship. Yes, my faith in the bible has waned, but I continue to search the Bible to make sense of who I am trying to understand… which doesn’t feel like God. He makes sense. His love and fatherhood clicks for me. But who people are? Who I am?? Who we are supposed to be to each other? Maybe that’s in there somewhere. Mistranslated, out-of-context, archaic and often misrepresenting what God meant, but clues left behind.
