I'm about 70% of the way through The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah... and so much of it resonates. Yes, my father never hit my mom. And gloriously, we had each other, we had grandparents, we had a phone and eventually internet connection with the world. But this fear of the world... the fear instilled in us at a young age. Dad's flight of fancy where we trusted no one except him. The constant pins and needles where we ALL are required to put his feelings, his energy, his dreams and goals above ours... he was the center of our lives. We were supposed to shrink and define ourselves by his idea of what the world is and how we should feel about it. And mom backing him up, worshipping him as the smartest most spiritual person in the world, raised in a religion that backed up the idea that dad could even be a prophet... I sometimes think of the way I idolized his version of life... I feel like the scene from The Water Boy, where the professor is teaching about where the anger center of the brain is in an alligator and how it's enlarged, and me as the Water Boy, confidently raising my hand to quote "mama". Angry when I'm corrected. Because this was my reality.

    And having to redefine it because he was crazy and power-hungry and defended by ONE woman, gave him all the power I had to give. And every time she doubles down, or feels bad, or tries to forgive him and make us forgive him because she's forgotten and hopes we've all forgotten that the sad, vulnerable, sad little man he was controlled and belittled and shut down anything he didn't agree with and we were all supposed to blindly follow, love, and forgive him forever and ever for him to be able to function.

    He never functioned. He couldn't function and blamed the world about it. It must be the world's lies, Satan at work, only he had a hold on the God's honest truth of what really mattered. Because he couldn't do it. He was a failure from day one of adulthood. He failed to follow through on the potential everyone said he had, he failed his first marriage, he failed until he tricked mom into following him and he put his whole value into who he could convince her he was and we were born into this toxic dynamic.

    And now we're adults, getting to decide we don't want it anymore. Does he know us? No. Does he want to? NO. Does he support us and want the best for us? FUCK NO. Every accomplishment is a bitter reminder of all his failures. I will never let him back in. I don't want him in my life. I will never let him back into my kids' lives. He curated a life that protected him and his ideals and his creepy worldview and whatever he got away with, he did. I have no doubt that he has done every drug made available to him. I have no doubt that he had engaged in exchanges with other like-minded individuals. I have no doubt that he thinks as long as no one knows... as long as he can pretend and force other people to pretend... he will continue being as creepy and manipulative and self-serving as possible. I wish he would just become a product of his choices.

    Growing up isolated, far from the small community he claimed he believed in, constantly at odds with one part of the family or another because they wouldn't conform to his standards. His resentment of my mom's parents, the constant competitive edge whenever he interacted with her father... He was "protecting" us from love. From support. From people who knew better and could recognize the dangerous and predatory nature of my father's version of "love".

    Not just narcissism. But an inflated self-importance that only lacked organizational and charisma skills that came just short of full cult-leader ideals. "Aspie Supremacy". That his version of autism is the evolution of humanity, and we're all just inferior compared to him. That version of him, when he gives into that vanity and dominance, I have no doubt he would let nothing stop him from taking what he wanted, convinced he was doing no harm because they were too little to remember anyway. And we'll never really know for sure. And because of that? I cannot allow anyone to try to convince me it's worth it to let him back into my life.

If it looks like a duck, and gets accused of being a duck from people around you, and insists on befriending other ducks, knowing that they are ducks... and he occasionally SOUNDS like a duck... fucking chances are... HE'S a MOTHERFUCKING DUCK.

I Feel Like He Hates Me

 I went out of town for a concert with my friend. I came back on his birthday. 

Two and a half days, and the house is destroyed. There is literally no room on the counters, they are that filled with dishes. There is cat food water-falling down the stairs. Someone decided to play with my makeup and it’s ruined and on everything. There are no groceries left in the house. The furniture is turned over and dragged around. An 80’s movie style house party has nothing on the state of my home.

But it’s his birthday. I’m not allowed to be mad. I’m not allowed to lose my mind. I just got two and a half kid-free days. I’m not allowed to be disappointed. I’m on the clock now, time to clean it up, cook the meals, bring the enthusiasm, manage everyone’s feelings. No one is NICE to each other. They all fight and bicker and ignore each other’s feelings and make each other as miserable as possible. Even my husband… my fourth child. 

I have been trapped at home for the last month or so without a car, AGAIN. I have not been apart from the kids in at least… three months? Maybe more? And not for any length of time. The last time I spent the night away from them, I had gone home to say goodbye to my friend on hospice. 

He left me for Mother’s Day. Didn’t even send a text. 

Was the house trashed? Were the kids neglected? 

No. 

Life without him continues as normal. I am the only one required to care. 

Miracle Child

 I dream of a miracle baby

That despite the Nexplonon rod in my arm

Despite the many sheets of blister packs of Birth Control pills

To control the months of heavy, sporadic bleeding

That there is this strong, miracle child

Growing in my womb

That somehow, I am not so broken.

That even despite the science at work

God's hand is forming one more little one 

To grow our family.

What a hearty child that would be.

A warrior

A survivor

A thing which small words cannot begin to explain.

Even as I lie wrapped around my heating pad for the 4th day in a row

Changing pad after pad, 

Each drenched in the disappointment of a room filled with undone plans.

I dream of a child I cannot control, 

That comes bursting out of me, unbidden, unplanned

And totally wanted.

Wild with Life. 

Filled with Love

Completing my sad story with a joyful ending

Making all the sorrow a footnote in the incredible story of their LIFE.

But all I produce

Is a stupid poem

About a baby

That will never be born.

How greedy am I?

The mother of three incredible, amazing, unfathomable children

Children I fear I disappoint daily.

Children that grow with laughter and spontaneous songs 

Leaving thousands of sticky fingerprints 

Dancing across my windows, my furniture, my life

Sending my head reeling with the MUCHNESS 

Enough to overwhelm me constantly

And yet I mourn for the things that I cannot have back

The things I have to leave behind and stop dreaming for. 

There is time for a miracle

And I hope I can experience it

And I hope that I can see it for the miracle it is

And I know that I have a miracle in each of the magical little people

That are alive and well and strong and GROWING

But every so often...

Even in the pain of womanhood, with too much going on around me,

I yearn for a miracle child.

God the Mother

 I have often wondered what a bible would look like written outside of patriarchy, what God the creator would look like as a feminine energy, instead of a Vengeful Warrior. There are so many war metaphors in the Bible. Would God be depicted as a Victor in a text outside of a patriarchal society? And until we can separate modern ideology from religious doctrine, I fear we will never know the true heart of God. If calling God "they" or "she" is blasphemous or heresy... what are we really being told to worship?

Arguing in my head

 I’m not even mad. 

I’m not sad. I’m just done. I was done before we weren’t. I didn’t want to be friends anymore and it was sort of based on nothing. And everything. It was just a little bit exhausting at times, even when we were having fun. But I keep having arguments with you in my head. There is no winning. I don’t want to argue. But my brain loves to fixate. And I’m stuck on this repetitive argument where I just remind you who I am. Who we were. How fun we were together. But you didn’t want to be that version of us anymore. And I was tired of how we were now. 

When you’re only willing to surround yourself with people who agree with you, you will not grow. You have chosen self-righteousness which justifies violence. Something you used to be upset the other side did. And now you’re doing it. 

And I’m mad at myself for missing so many signals that you weren’t a safe person. And that you were becoming less safe every day. And I’m glad we don’t talk anymore. 

But once upon a time, you were a part of me. And I miss that. I miss having you when you were gentle and nice and friendly. I miss confiding before it was dangerous to confide. If I had hidden more of myself from you, we could have been friends forever. 

That makes me sad. 

I hope you’re doing well. But I know you will always chase an easy life but it’s a lie. Every “safe” and “easy” choice you make drives you away from the good stuff. I am sad your life will never be what you want it to be. He will keep cheating on you. Your son will go undiagnosed but over-medicated and coddled and it will always be a little bit too much of you and him together that will ultimately make you hate his girlfriends and eventually his wife. He’ll grow up to be just like his dad. You will run through relationships with friends because no one meets your standards and no one cares enough to stick through your rants. You will never find home. Europe doesn’t want you. And you don’t want America. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry you won’t get the love and belonging that you crave… because you refuse to compromise, do the hard thing, fight for what you deserve. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep showing up for you. I’m sorry I gave up on you. I chose me instead. I hope you choose yourself one day. 

Gratitude Day 1

 I am grateful for our trip to the Netherlands. 

I am grateful for Spring Break

I am grateful for Libby App

I am grateful for good friendships that make me feel loved and give me people to talk to and connect with.

I am grateful for the time we have left in Germany and grateful that we will be going back to the States soon. 

I am grateful for my bed. I love my bed. 

I am grateful for baths

I am so grateful for sobbing, for these blogs where I have poured out my heart.

Sarah, if you ever come back and read this, please know... This is a good thing you are doing. You are going to be okay. You are always trying to be better. You are always trying to keep yourself growing and moving forward even when it might not feel like it. YOU DON'T DO ANY DRUGS. You don't CHEAT. You don't mess around or take inappropriate risks. You are not a failure. You are growing and moving forwards and you are trying really really hard. DO NOT GIVE UP.

Pop

 Memories popped up today

Our family smiling

Hugging

Playing

Sun soaked memories on a beachy day. 

It looks like fun

It looks like peace 

It looks like the good old days

But you couldn’t pay me to go back. 

To be seeped in the pain

Of fresh betrayal

Shying away from truth

Lying to my loved ones

Vacation with my heartbreak

Coparenting with my sorrow

I lost so much in one moment

A bored moment

Poking around

In what I never considered

“Not my business”

Pop goes the trust

Pop goes the confidence

Pop goes the ignorance 

Of what I didn’t know I didn’t know

Time might not heal all the wounds

But it separates you from what came before

You forgive

What you can’t forget

And try to forget

What you can’t forgive

Overcoming in small moments

Popping the doubt

Popping the anger

Popping the hurt

Vacation with my heartache

Until the heart

Stops aching 

Moving forward 

Because I can’t live in that moment

Three years later

I see the smiling photos

Our family on the beach

And for a moment

The new bubbles we have put around ourselves

Pop

Discomfort by the unaddressed problems

Pop

Pain of unhealed trauma

Pop

Feeling totally and completely alone

Memories popped up today

Of a time I wish I could forget

But we had to be a family

And make memories

And celebrate spring break

And birthdays

All tinged with popped bubbles  

Clinging to me

Like a cold bath

Sloughing off my skin

Leaving the attempt to clean

With greasy soaped residue 

An easily popped bubble

When I never tried to rebuild with something better

Than the trippy twisty butterfly bubbles

Of new love  

What is old love made of?

I hope it’s better

Than bubbles