Arguing in my head

 I’m not even mad. 

I’m not sad. I’m just done. I was done before we weren’t. I didn’t want to be friends anymore and it was sort of based on nothing. And everything. It was just a little bit exhausting at times, even when we were having fun. But I keep having arguments with you in my head. There is no winning. I don’t want to argue. But my brain loves to fixate. And I’m stuck on this repetitive argument where I just remind you who I am. Who we were. How fun we were together. But you didn’t want to be that version of us anymore. And I was tired of how we were now. 

When you’re only willing to surround yourself with people who agree with you, you will not grow. You have chosen self-righteousness which justifies violence. Something you used to be upset the other side did. And now you’re doing it. 

And I’m mad at myself for missing so many signals that you weren’t a safe person. And that you were becoming less safe every day. And I’m glad we don’t talk anymore. 

But once upon a time, you were a part of me. And I miss that. I miss having you when you were gentle and nice and friendly. I miss confiding before it was dangerous to confide. If I had hidden more of myself from you, we could have been friends forever. 

That makes me sad. 

I hope you’re doing well. But I know you will always chase an easy life but it’s a lie. Every “safe” and “easy” choice you make drives you away from the good stuff. I am sad your life will never be what you want it to be. He will keep cheating on you. Your son will go undiagnosed but over-medicated and coddled and it will always be a little bit too much of you and him together that will ultimately make you hate his girlfriends and eventually his wife. He’ll grow up to be just like his dad. You will run through relationships with friends because no one meets your standards and no one cares enough to stick through your rants. You will never find home. Europe doesn’t want you. And you don’t want America. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry you won’t get the love and belonging that you crave… because you refuse to compromise, do the hard thing, fight for what you deserve. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep showing up for you. I’m sorry I gave up on you. I chose me instead. I hope you choose yourself one day. 

Gratitude Day 1

 I am grateful for our trip to the Netherlands. 

I am grateful for Spring Break

I am grateful for Libby App

I am grateful for good friendships that make me feel loved and give me people to talk to and connect with.

I am grateful for the time we have left in Germany and grateful that we will be going back to the States soon. 

I am grateful for my bed. I love my bed. 

I am grateful for baths

I am so grateful for sobbing, for these blogs where I have poured out my heart.

Sarah, if you ever come back and read this, please know... This is a good thing you are doing. You are going to be okay. You are always trying to be better. You are always trying to keep yourself growing and moving forward even when it might not feel like it. YOU DON'T DO ANY DRUGS. You don't CHEAT. You don't mess around or take inappropriate risks. You are not a failure. You are growing and moving forwards and you are trying really really hard. DO NOT GIVE UP.

Pop

 Memories popped up today

Our family smiling

Hugging

Playing

Sun soaked memories on a beachy day. 

It looks like fun

It looks like peace 

It looks like the good old days

But you couldn’t pay me to go back. 

To be seeped in the pain

Of fresh betrayal

Shying away from truth

Lying to my loved ones

Vacation with my heartbreak

Coparenting with my sorrow

I lost so much in one moment

A bored moment

Poking around

In what I never considered

“Not my business”

Pop goes the trust

Pop goes the confidence

Pop goes the ignorance 

Of what I didn’t know I didn’t know

Time might not heal all the wounds

But it separates you from what came before

You forgive

What you can’t forget

And try to forget

What you can’t forgive

Overcoming in small moments

Popping the doubt

Popping the anger

Popping the hurt

Vacation with my heartache

Until the heart

Stops aching 

Moving forward 

Because I can’t live in that moment

Three years later

I see the smiling photos

Our family on the beach

And for a moment

The new bubbles we have put around ourselves

Pop

Discomfort by the unaddressed problems

Pop

Pain of unhealed trauma

Pop

Feeling totally and completely alone

Memories popped up today

Of a time I wish I could forget

But we had to be a family

And make memories

And celebrate spring break

And birthdays

All tinged with popped bubbles  

Clinging to me

Like a cold bath

Sloughing off my skin

Leaving the attempt to clean

With greasy soaped residue 

An easily popped bubble

When I never tried to rebuild with something better

Than the trippy twisty butterfly bubbles

Of new love  

What is old love made of?

I hope it’s better

Than bubbles

Losing friends

 My friend died on Valentine’s Day. 

I’ll never get to listen to her laugh. 

Or be lifted up by her love

Or feel her squeeze me so tight. 

I’ll never get to look forward to her calls, 

Her messages. Her visits. 

She’s gone. Forever gone. 

A friend stopped talking to me right before my birthday

I don’t know why. I miss her. 

I reach out and nothing reaches back. 

Just vague responses that make me feel like

Shes done being my friend

A friend hurt my feelings

Doubled down when I told her she hurt me

Hurt me more, worse

Confidences whispered to just her

In private moments of vulnerability

Turned around and fired from a gun I didn’t know she was hiding.  

My own secrets, bullets in the war that ends us. 

No longer friends. 

I cannot call

I won’t hear from her. 

My loss is now fodder for the building of a new friendship

“Oh, how I’ve been used.”

“Oh, how I have been mistreated.”

“Oh, how I have been abandoned.”

The same way, she built her friendship

With me. 

Close friends, deep friends

The unending, timeless friendships

That buoy me up

Hold me together

Create me and strengthen me

Are all back home, thousands of miles away

Back home where it’s safe. 

Where my secrets are kept

And disagreements can come and go

And the friendship remains.

Where we have hurt and cracked and rebuilt

So many times already

Our foundation is firm. 

And our future has each other in it. 

Where friendship only ends

Because someone dies. 

I long to be a person who knows I did it right

To be confident that I didn’t misstep

Or cause the schism

That I can say with all righteousness 

It was she and not me

That caused the death of us. 

But I cannot. 

I am fallible. 

And once hurt or rejected,

Whether Real or perceived,

I will hurt and reject. 

I have culpability

In why someone would reject me. 

My standards unmet, their standards unmet

Leading to videos that are mean

Selfish

And in one scorched earth move, 

You cannot contact me. 

And I cannot contact you. 

Blocked from our lives.

I do not want to lose people. 

I do not want to lose any more people

I cannot let hurt cause me to reject anyone else

Because I have a friend I cannot hurt

Who I wish could hurt me. 

I wish she could call me up and yell at me. 

Tell me all the ways I have let her down

Cry and scream and rant and then we could hug

Because she’s still here. 

Still alive. Still available to break my heart. 

I’d rather her be here, not talking to me

Then gone. Forever. 

Oh to be safe at home

With her

Wherever she is. 

No reason to hurt or be hurt 

Because all is well and perfect

In the great reward

Where everything is safe 

And our dearest friend

Treats us like royalty. 

Even if it’s made up

A great Lie

To ease the transition from being awake

To sleeping forever

I want to believe the lie

Because she’s alive there. 

And she will never reject me. 

Or hurt me. 

And we are friends. 

Forever.