The thing about depression is it's hard to know you're really depressed. Especially if you're like me and you go from totally fine to wanting to die in 24 hours notice. I don't know that its actually a desire to die though. It's a desire for something else. But having absolutely no energy for anything. I can smile and even laugh, I can enjoy myself... and still feel totally separate from those emotions. Its just a thing that is happening, it's not actually changing the depression. I want to explain it to someone, but I don't know how to say it. It's not something that feels explainable. I hate everyone and everything, but also desperately want to connect, but have no desire to do anything to connect with people who love me and probably want to help me.
My husband feels a thousand miles away. He can walk in and ask me how I'm doing and I can say one of a thousand answers, none of which would actually make him understand me or give me the connection I want from him. Sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in a dream world where I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and everyone around me is just staring like nothing's happening. Or they start laughing. I'm panic-in carnet and they are all just giggling like I'm being funny.
I have nightmares that he's cheating on me constantly. Maybe its because we don't really have anything in common. He's one sexy secretary away from realizing I'm a lazy fat piece of shit with too many insecurities to love anyone because I'm too wrapped up in my own problems. He's not a stud by any stretch of the imagination, but I love him and am insanely attracted to him and I can easily imagine any other woman being attracted to him too. It's all in my head though. But then... everything is. Love is in my head. Emotions. Personality. Depression. Isn't it all just in my head? What changes something from being "just in your head" into being real? Something other people can also experience I suppose.
But how do you make someone else experience your depression so they take you seriously? I don't feel taken seriously. I don't really feel anything some days. Maybe I need to up my Zoloft. I feel like a shell. I constantly want to disassociate. Why does my depression need someone else to validate it? What would make it valid? If I killed myself? I don't want to do that. I don't actually want to die. I just want to feel like I'm alive. And it hasn't felt like that in a few days.
I wonder how often people are supposed to feel this down. Blue days. Its like a cold sometimes. I just catch a blue. This Blue is particularly nasty. I still managed to take care of the kids, cook three meals. Clean the kitchen. Do laundry. Wash all the dishes. And get dressed this morning. I suppose if I didn't manage, then someone might take me more seriously. But it feels like the depression makes me mask extra hard when it's this numbing. If I can do, then I will survive. But why would I want to continue to survive to feel... nothing?
I don't think you're supposed to seek seratonin boosts from your husband. I mean, you're definitely supposed to feel supported and loved and feel good around your husband, why else would anyone seek companionship? But I don't think you're supposed to chase after it like a drug. Or not feel anything unless he's around. Or get angry when he doesn't automatically understand how to fill you up. I want him to fill me up. Feel me up. Do all the husband/boyfriend/lover things that give you tingles to your toes and make you feel like a person who is worthy of attention. Lusted after. I don't know that he knows how to do that. I don't think he wants to lust after ANYONE real. Its sinful.
I don't feel a desire to pray about it. The farthest I get is "Dear Heavenly Father" but it bounces around my clogged brain and goes nowhere. I don't know that I believe in any of it anymore. It was comforting once. Now its just a lot of platitudes and childhood cult doctrines. I don't know how to make it feel real again. I don't think God forgives you for turning on your whole religion, no matter what heading it falls under.
My head feels thick. It's hard to keep it upright. I just want to lie down all the time. Gravity is working extra hard today and I'm living in my bedroom again. I just want to be engaged with life, but life seems too exhausting. I wonder who's out living right now? I'd love to hear a happy story. I bet people had healthy babies today. Something probably got married. Someone is celebrating a birthday, a promotion, a win that makes their day. Someone just met the love of their life. Someone is confiding in their best friend and feeling heard and supported for the first time. Its all happening outside in the world at this exact moment. Will I ever feel those zings ever again? I've never really been a happy cryer. Will that ever happen to me? Maybe when my kids get married. Or I meet my grandbabies. Maybe I will live long enough to see everyone I love happy and settled somewhere.
Its okay to feel blue. It's okay to be depressed. This will no last. But I'm going to lie back down until I feel like I can survive upright again.
