Not sharing every thought

  I feel like I am working at not sharing every single thought that flies into my brain. I used to be very trapped in my own head. I couldn't have explained myself even if I had wanted to. Slowly and surely, I broke out of that and shared more and more of my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings. 

 Now, I have fallen into a new habit of oversharing. I want to strike a better balance. Holding things back, getting to the point, and not letting my feelings rule me or try to use my feelings to control other people. 

  I feel like I have been trying to connect with some kind of truth this year by following a devotional with my mom to read the whole bible in one year. I have felt burdened, overwhelmed, and very bored while doing it. The Bible is sort of disappointing. I want all of these deep truths to spring forth in an unheard of way. To feel convicted by who God is and how much he loves us. But that hasn't really happened. It was written by men during a time when women were second class citizens. It was confusing and passed down from person to person verbally before written down. It's half of story. It's depressing. It's violent. It talks of a violent God. I am more and more impressed upon how little I actually know God. It's not a simple book written from a perspective of love. It talks about consequence and horrors of not following God. And God chose men who weren't perfect. 

  I suppose there is a lesson in that, though. You can see his perfection beyond those he chose. 

  I don't know. I haven't had that "Hallelujah" moment I want. I have more of those when I read Bob Goff. That is a man who knows the Bible and summed it up and broke it down to the two simple rules Jesus gave. Love God. Love each other. Not just each other. Love everybody. Always. Jerks and meanies... love them. People you DO NOT understand... love them. Scary people. Gross people. The most hard to love people. See Jesus in them, and love them. 

  It's a wonderful lesson. And a goal I long to follow. Hard in practice though. 

  Lately, I have felt very self-involved. Lazy. My feelings are all turned towards myself and my own stupid pity-party. I go to a destructive place in my mind. But I have been trying to turn my focus back to God. Trying to fill my thoughts with him. Even though I don't really KNOW Him yet. The french have two words for "know". One is used when you know something. One is used when you know someone. I feel like I'm still in the stalking phase of my relationship with God. I know a lot of facts... I 279 days into a year long devotion. But I feel no closer to KNOWING God personally. I have seen his hand at work in my life. And yet... he still feels like something I have to fight to believe in. It's so strange. Logic and doubt constantly blur the picture of God and I have a hard time committing to my own belief. 

Bad Day, Good Mom

Today was a bad day. The kind of day that started too early after staying up too late. Not a little bit late, where you feel groggy and want a cup of coffee in the morning before fixing the kids breakfast. The kind of too late where you feel run over by a truck and hand out fruit snacks for breakfast because at least they have the word "fruit" on them. 

  Its the kind of day where the tv is on ALL day and you say yes to literally anything they want because at least they're half distracted for a few minutes at a time and you can sit in relative peace. You don't get anything done. You feel like crap all day. And when your husband finally walks in the door, the relief you feel quickly dies because he's about as helpful as one of your kids. He even has the audacity to ask about dinner.

  On days like this, you feel like such a failure. You snap a little more. You sit on the couch a little bit longer when they cry. You know YOU are the reason the day sucks and the kids are whiny and needy and you feel the pressure to get up and be the perfect mom even though you don't have it in you. 

  But on the other hand, you do get up. You sooth bonked heads and snuggle babies who are almost as grumpy as you. Your goals are to keep the kids happy and alive and fed, while you feel like a steaming pile of dog doo. 

  Don't stay up too late tonight. But if you need a few more minutes of precious, uninterrupted YOU time, take it. You are a good mom. Even on a bad day.

Doing the single parent thing for a while

My realtor advised that I leave, take the kids and dogs, and get out to stay with my folks so it would make the selling process easier. So I did the long drive with two kids and three dogs and moved into my grandma's house while we listed, sold, and moved out of the house. I don't know if she realized that me staying with my folks so the house could sell easier meant being 20 hours away from my co-parent. But it did sell fast, so that's a blessing.
  Now, I'm certainly not alone, not by a long shot. Between my grandmother and her husband picking up after us and occasionally feeding us, not to mention running to the grocery store, I feel like I shouldn't complain too much. Then there's my mom and dad not even a hundred yards away from my grandma's to help out here and then too, and a few tens of feet from them, an additional refurbished garage with my sister and her husband, their two kids, and my younger brother. And of course, ever busy, but always willing, my younger sister, who lives just 20 minutes away, 10 if you speed and there's no red lights.
  Even with all these wonderful people around to pick up the slack, turn to in times of need, and avid babywatchers, I NEED my husband. Because for every other person here, their help is optional. Their needs will always come before mine or my kids, which is fair and right and despite some surprise and disappointment, I have realized that my expectations on them (specifically my mother) were ridiculously overwhelming.
  Bedtime routine is always thrown off by someone else. Three separate households means anyone and anything can be found at any time in any different location. There's never one set plan, one set house to hang out at, or one schedule to stick to. If I need something, I have to ask for a favor. I have to be ready to give something in return for a 20 minute break from holding my 5 month old. They are always gracious, loving, and mostly willing. But everyone needs breaks from each other now and then and I have no where that is just mine. I sleep with my infant, shower with my toddler. There are always someone else's fingers in my food and water. I have to share every little part of my day with two precious babies.
   And I am about to lose my mind.
   It's not just parenting alone. It's also being in someone else's house. My toddler insists on opening the door EVERY time I'm on the toilet. We're also in the middle of potty training, so accidents have been happening. My 3 dogs compete with the 3 dogs who already live here for dominance, love, attention, food, water, and who can terrorize the goats, chickens, and horses the worst. Not to mention the littlest dog suddenly got the poops and rather than let her stay out in the "cold" (its CA. We've just come from SD. THIS IS NOT COLD), my grandma has insisted she stay in her walk in shower, and two days of dealing with THAT nasty mess, my lovingly misguided grandma decided that it was time for me to put my dog down!! (I didn't. I took her to the vet and got her on some diarrhea-stopping meds and food.)
   It's only been a month. I can only imagine what it must be like for single moms and dads, widows and widowers, people forced to do it alone all the time. Maybe its almost easier in some ways, because if you don't expect the help, if you know no one is going to come strolling through the door at 6:00, then you only have your own schedule to keep, your own routine to follow, and your own expectations to fulfill. Or if you work, that's kind of your break in some weird way. You get to be human again. You get to just be yourself and not a pair of boobs to feed to your spawn. But mostly, I think it is just awful, lonely, hard, stressful, and dehumanizing in a lot of ways. I haven't really gotten a break to just be myself, thinking my own thoughts and eating MY OWN FOOD WITHOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S SPIT ON MY FORK.
   My husband leaves this Friday to begin the drive across the country to us. Unfortunately, he's taking a detour to drop his mother off in his home state and have a short visit with his family. I know I shouldn't. But I resent this delay in his arrival with every piece of my being. I have been doing this alone (yes, even surrounded by people, the kiddos are 100% my responsibility 100% of the time) for 30 days and will have to continue for another 4.
   Better sign off there. My 2 and a half year old will be in as the sun crests over the horizon to jump on my head and the baby is crying for boob. God grant me strength.

Missing my pieces

I haven't been apart from my little duck since the day she was born for more than a few hours. I suppose I could count the time she slept over at my mom's house when I was trying to wean her, but I was only a few yards away at my grandma's... was there for bedtime and for breakfast, so does it really count?
  But now we're hundreds and hundreds of miles apart for the first time. It's so quiet. It's so lonely. I'm desperate to know everything she's thinking every second we're apart. Is she having fun? What does she think of the plane? Is she getting enough attention? Is she having fun with her family?
  Obviously, intellectually I know most of the answers to these questions. But emotionally I want to be there with her. She's a little piece of my soul, wandering around, exploring the world. She used to be inside me. And then she lived off of me. Now, she's an independent little creature, able to go far off with other people.
   My son is sound asleep near me and I wonder how long it will be before he can go off without me. A few short years. That concept is so mind-boggling. That years suddenly feel short.
   Looking back to how I felt right after high school, it felt like I was never gonna get married. Looking back into the first few years of me being married, it felt like I was never going to have children. I was so desperate for it. For these big life events to happen RIGHT NOW. But the truth is... they did happen fast. They weren't slow, weren't a long process. It felt long and impossible... until it happened. And then suddenly my period of waiting seemed so short. Its a fact of adulthood that I am faced with over and over again. It's something that's been said to me for as long as I can remember. But somehow, these life-truths don't become real until you've lived through it.
  I'm going to be 28 in two short months. 28, waiting for my husband to come join me at our new base. So many things have changed, and here we go, ending up back where we first met. Life is funny that way. It's made us both pretty reflective lately.
  I miss him. I miss my little girl. But all too soon this little vacation from real life will end and we'll be back to the craziness of all of us here, packing up for the move. I'm going to try to enjoy these days while I can. Even though they kind of suck in their own way. 

POOOOOOP!!! I suck.

I suck. I mean it. There are days that I really really truly SUCK. I mean, I fall so short of who I could be that I feel like I don't even know how to associate myself with that person.
  It happens when I'm mad. It happens when I joke. It happens when I don't think. It happens when I mean it. When I mean it so much and then an hour, or a night, or a few days, or years go by and then I look back and I think... "Why did I mean that??? Why did I feel that way? Think like that?? Why did I ever SAY or DO or let myself BELIEVE that??"
  I have to acknowledge where I have fallen so short of who I am in a giant, ego-crushing, eat-my-pride, look-myself-straight-in-the-eyes-and-say"YOU SUCK" kind of way that I'm not even sure of who I am anymore.
   And it's good. It's miserable and hard and HORRIBLE. I cannot ask for forgiveness and expect it. I cannot just ignore it. I have to live in a place of true self-actualized truth that I suck sometimes. And it's so much better than ego. It is. I want to break down those horrible habits. I have to CHANGE my thought-process. Every horrible, selfish, self-righteous moment of short-sighted judgement and pity-partying idealism that I have indulged in... I want to use these to become more like my mom. More like my sister. More like the person God wants me to be. It's barf-worthy. It's disgusting. But I am so happy to go through it, come face to face with who I am and can be and use that to CHANGE. Truly change. I don't want to be who I was. I don't want to be who I am. I want to grow into someone that can be trusted. That can be vulnerable. That is kinder, truer, more patient, more loving. Someone who you can tell a secret to and know it can be kept. That can be told something hard and not judge you for it.
  I thank God for these opportunities. I don't want to stay stagnant, self-righteous, judgemental. I want to be better for the people who are always so good to me.

2019 Christmas

Something miraculous has happened this Christmas. I have almost everything done... and I'm only a week into December. I was determined to have my shopping done in November, and I'm so close, I can almost taste it. I have been wrapping gifts and putting together my packages for my family. I want to make sure that everything is delivered before Christmas, but I never thought I'd actually DO it. And yet, here I am... my brother and sister-in-law's gifts are wrapped and ready to go. All the nieces, done. My brother, done. My younger sister, done. My older sister, almost done, but not quite. (I need a box for a complicated gift). My bro-in-law, done. My dad has long-since been taken care of. His gift is even there already. My mom, my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law are really the only ones who I desperately need to take care of. My mom's gift is more of a project, and I want to get her something else as well. My mother-in-law is always so hard to buy for and for some reason the second I got married, it became my responsibility to buy gifts for all his family? It wasn't a responsibility I was prepared for. And its not one that I'm very good at either.
   I kind of want to get something else for Evie. I don't have a big present for her. I have lots of fun little ones, but I really want to get her a little play piano. I think she would love that. Maybe some more books, I love reading to her and she loves being read to.
  I feel like even though I put all this effort into gifts every year, its never enough. I want to give as much as I love... and that's just not possible.
   With all this time, though, I want to be able to focus on what this season is really all about. I want to take the time to enjoy all the good things about Christmas. Making cookies. Decorating. Spending time with family. Driving around and seeing all the lights. But more than anything, listening to God, spending time with him, and giving him the attention he deserves.

Showing up with God

   I have been feeling such a loss of faith, more and more, as I grow as an adult. It’s not as easy to show up and put in the work to find my faith as it was when I was young. Especially since I was blessed with the privilege of going to private school 2-12 grade. Being surrounded by other people my age who knew and loved God, being required to attend chapel, vespars, and church was like a cheat code to feeling connected to a higher power.
   But this year, I want to restart my whole life... I want to show up. Even when it feels fake. Even when I feel like I feel nothing, have no faith, and barely believe in the truth of God. I’m going to show up anyway.

   I started this blog at the beginning of the year, a half-baked thought, a determination to try. I think I gave up because I didn't have faith in myself. And yet here I am... almost exactly a year later. And I have. I have really tried. I have shown up, I have followed my faith, I have carved out the smallest, saddest path to God I can. I have been doing my devotions, talking with my mother, my sister-in-law, my sisters, my husband. I have been trying and with help. And while I haven't felt some magical coming-to-God moment, and I don't know that I've truly given up my doubts, I do feel closer to the truth. Reading the Bible is wonderfully comforting, if not a little frustrating at times. I have so many questions, so much confusion when I read certain passages. Verses where I feel sure that I'm supposed to find understanding, only boggle me.

   I am learning I am showing up. And I do feel like I'm on the right path. I thank God every day for his patience with me. I am determined to get to know Him. I long for Him with every second of my day, every breath in my body, and every confusing moment. I can't say that I know what I'm doing, or if this is the way to find him. But I am still chipping away at the wall of unbelief in me.

  Bob Goff says in his book "Love Does" that he felt like he was stalking God. Instead of seeking a relationship, he was searching for facts. He was learning everything he could about God, but not actually nurturing a real, active friendship with his Creator. I feel like that's where I am right now. I'm still in the stalking phase. I'm looking at God through other people trying to figure out how to let him into my life in a real and active way. I haven't quite gotten there yet. But I'm not giving up.

  I have completed 51 devotions this year, that's almost a devotion a week, though that was completely by accident and there were definitely weeks where I didn't seek God at all. I am working on three devotions right now, one about loving my husband well (sometimes I feel like I put my husband into the God role, and I often feel the most understood when I'm fostering my relationship with my spouse through God's word), one about Christmas (I admit that this feels familiar in a way that doesn't bring much understanding... same old verses said in the same old way and I don't feel the conviction of truth that most people who are seeking God talk about finding) and a 365 day devotion with my mom to read the whole bible in a year. This one is the most compelling for me. 1) I have never read the whole Bible and feel like a bad christian for never having even attempted it, and 2) the reader and writer for this devotion really does feel like a true leader for relationship instead of religion. I don't always agree with him. I don't always feel compelled to actually do the devotion, but I am inspired to keep going.

And that's what I'm doing right now. I'm just showing up with God. I hope that this leads to actually feeling His presence in my life, letting Him lead me, and give a REAL example for my children to follow.