I got a referral for Behavioral Counseling after I lost my pregnancy. It took forever for them to schedule me but during the wait, I have been praying about it, hoping that the counselor they gave me would be a really good fit.
The guy was not the right councelor for me. He's 64. He has long scraggly grey hair. He talked about his life SO MUCH. I literally felt like he talked more than I did. And he would NOT. Stop. Adjusting himself in his pants.
During the first appointment, he asked me if I had kids just so he could launch into a 10 minute long story about his daughter (who has two masters because she's very intelligent. And the reason I know she's very intelligent is because he repeated this multiple times) quitting her job to become a canoeing instructor and how disappointing that was to him and his wife. And at the end of the very long and boring and nothing-to-do-with-me-or-why-I-am-in-counseling story, he said, "What was my point? Oh yeah. You have three kids. Don't be surprised when they grow up to make decisions who can't understand." (insert annoyed and very confused expression here). Do I say anything? No. I smiled and nod and act like this is such WISDOM. And then I say, "But she's feeding her soul. And getting paid to do it. That's true success. That's the only success worth having." And he acted like this had never occurred to him.
Excuse me, sir. I am not here... to counsel you.
And when he asked me why I chose counseling NOW... I told him that I had miscarried. And that I was alone when it happened. And he said, "I know what you're going through. I totally understand it. My wife gave birth to our daughter three months early." I let that hang in the air, fully expecting more of an explanation... like she had gone through multiple losses before that... or... SOMETHING. And so then I asked, "Oh, were you not there?" And he said, "No, I was there with her." I just left it alone after that. He had nothing to offer me. He was an idiot. So I smiled and nodded and made chit-chat for the rest of the meeting.
I know all about his finances. I know he has a good retirement. I know he has a good friend named Bob. I also know he met with another woman who was struggling with her husband's parenting style. He also kept talking to me about how wanting lots of control over my life isn't correct. Not my problem?? I never said anything to lead him to believe that I need things a particular way.
Towards the end of the meeting, he asked me what I would like to get out of counseling, and I told him, "I need better tools. I need to learn to regulate my emotions and control when I'm in my big feelings. I am too angry and my kids suffer because of it." And he said, "That's normal. Everything you're feeling is normal. You don't need to worry about highs and lows." And I wish with all my heart I had said, "It's not my normal. And I need help." But instead... I smiled. And nodded. Like a bouncing-headed dog in the back of a car. And when he signed me up for another session the following week, I went along with it. And then I walked out of the building and cried. I complained to my mom, to my husband, to my Titus 2, to my sister, to my friend. And they all told me to call and get a different counselor.
I gave him one more chance (saw him yesterday), and I did a better job of interrupting his long-winded stories about himself and his life. I tried to address the things that I'm struggling with. But I felt like he just argued with me the whole time. Telling me how normal and fine everything was. But not in like... a comforting way. Not in a, "Are you worried this isn't normal? Can I help you process the things that you are struggling with?" way. He kept addressing things that I wasn't talking about. Like... he brought up marital problems. I never brought up my husband. I never said he was an area of my life I was struggling with. And when I said my husband and I have been getting along really well and I don't have anything I want to talk about in regards to that, he told me a long story about how he and his wife met, broke up, got back together, barely have anything in common and give each other LOTS of space, and went through a rough period where they separated and lived in different houses shortly after they got married. Okay? Not why I'm here, sir.
When he would let me talk, I picked non-personal topics, basic issues that I have, nothing that would make me emotional. Things like keeping the house clean. Things to do with ADHD struggles.
He kept asking, "Who are you comparing yourself to?"
And I kept saying, "No one. I'm setting my own goals and I can't measure up to them."
I used brushing teeth as an example. Like, I want to brush the kids teeth AT LEAST every day, and floss at least a few times a week, but ideally, I would like to brush twice a day and floss every day. The dentist has been telling me I need to do this. Everyone KNOWS this is the standard for good hygeine. HE ARGUED WITH ME.
He said, "I only brush once a day. Not everyone is the same. Everyone is going to do things differently."
I was like, "Yeah, that's why I said I'm willing to work within failure to live up to my ideal goal. But I am frustrated that I often don't even THINK of brushing their teeth. How can something that should be a daily standard not even occur to me?"
His response was very dismissive and argumentative. He believes it's all fine and normal and I shouldn't worry about it or try to change it.
Brushing teeth is a very basic thing. But let's say for arguments sake, having better dental hygeine and teaching my kids to take care of their teeth ISN'T important. If I tell you that I want to make a change and that it's important to me... ARGUING THAT I SHOULDN'T is NOT helpful therapy!!!
And arguing about dental hygeine is actually NOT why I signed up for counseling??? So it felt like a SUPREME waste of time. I told him I wasn't interested in setting up another appointment and then went out to the car and cried.
I genuinely had put faith that God would lead me to a counselor that could help me process my grief and come up with a bag of tools to regulate my emotions when I'm in my big feelings. (This is also stuff I tried to talk to the counselor about, just so you know, it just went nowhere). And when this is yet another prayer that feels unanswered, it felt like... Okay. So what is there left to believe in really? I lost faith in the church years ago. I lost faith in my father for good. I lost faith in the Bible (not in totality, just in moderation). And now... I have lost faith in therapy. I don't know how to not lose faith in God as well. I don't WANT to lose faith in Him.
And then... without fanfare or immediate comfort, I remembered that my friend from bible study does her Titus 2 calling (the verse about older women teaching younger women to love their husbands and children) on Tuesday mornings. She sets up in the food court of the BX and is just available in case a woman might need someone to talk to. 17 minutes later I was walking into the food court, and there she was, working on our bible study homework all alone. She was happy to see me, welcomed me and my baby girl with a hug and a stack of papers and markers for the baby to play with. And then asked me, "So, mama. How are we today. " And I let the whole tale tumble from me. She was SO helpful!!!! She got to the gist and thrust of what I'm struggling with. She treated me like I was valid and important and helped me see things from another perspective. I mean... she gave me more to focus on, work towards, and actual ADVICE in 20 minutes than in the two 60 minute sessions with the fucking counselor who has been doing this job for 36 years.
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