I'm not sure why I feel the need to type, but I just do. I don't really have anything to say. I feel broken, and weirdly normal, and totally devastated. I kind of want to disappear, but I'm also fine with existing. I hate everyone, but I want to be surrounded by people. I hate being alone, but I am so tired of anyone looking at, touching, or talking to me. I don't want to explain. I am dying to tell every detail. I don't wanna talk about it or think about it or be in this moment, but if you don't bring it up, I'll go crazy. I want to curl up and sleep for a year, but I don't want to miss anything with my kids. My kids. My poor children who don't understand why mommy is snapping one second and then begging for cuddles the next. I don't want anyone to be here. But I wish I could snuggle with my sister.
I don't want to say goodbye. I wanna go back in time to when I was blissfully ignorant. I just want to be pregnant with my perfect baby boy and not live in this moment where its all been ripped away from me. I don't wanna stay home, but I cannot bring myself to leave the house. I need a therapist. I'm terrified it won't help. Can I just go numb for a while? Can I please just have the long sleep that Ava Marie got in Big Stone Gap? I just want to be unconscious for like... a week or two. There's nothing here for anyone else. I just want to be gone mentally. But I feel like that's not good enough. Not for Sarah. Sarah can't recoil from all the things. She has to rally and be a beast... Boss it up and stand tall and talk it through with everyone. She has to praise God for the good things and clean her living room a day after getting out of the hospital. She has to throw birthday parties. She has to be available to talk.
Fuck you, Sarah. I want to be dead. Not literally. Just enough to heal. Let me be unavailable for a little while. Stop trying to be better and just let me be bad for a while.
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