BPD

 I think I’ve been running away from this label for a long time, trying to gather evidence that it did not apply to me. Sure, I have high highs and low lows and am terrified of abandonment and struggle with low-self esteem and self-harm and an overwhelming lack of goals/dreams/or motivation…

But in a normal… ADHD enhanced way. Right?? Like, the rage monster is just depression? And the chronic loneliness is being married to a man? Because men are lazy selfish dogs, and this is all normal typical, manageable feminine shit. 

And not the overwhelming, terrifying, identity defining diagnosis that I am fundamentally flawed in my actual personality. I was reading articles, trying to find a light at the end of the BPD tunnel and just found whiney, self-indulgent, woe-is-me pity party that is women diagnosed with this disorder. And I hated the articles, almost as much as I hated the women writing them. Because they all could have easily been written… by and about me. 

I know I should be excited that there is a reason for my behavior, my mood swings, my insanity. But instead I’m annoyed that I am one of those women. The Crazy Ex-Girlfriends of the world. I’m frustrated and annoyed with myself. Like I could have tried harder to not be crazy. 

What are people going to think? Will I lose people? Will I be judged? Just telling people I needed mental health support got judgement. Implying that I was interested in trying medication garnered even more. I felt incorrect. I must be WRONG about my own mood swings. Someone not dealing with the same stuff or witnessing my day-to-day must know more than I do. 

It’s scary. It makes me so worried. I want to run more, flee the very idea that it could be that. Which is not going to solve anything. I know that. On some level, I know that getting diagnosed and medicated for the label I have been trying to outrun is a good thing. 

But I wish I could go back to before I knew.