All the Reindeers Were Female

 Male reindeers lose their antlers in the winter, but females don't. So, at NO ONE'S SURPRISE, it was women pulling the load of Christmas.

    I'm exhausted. Gifts. Mental Load. Baking. Cleaning. Decorating. Planning trips. Managing the big feelings of the kids by themselves. It's all just wearing me out. I know it's worth it and I know someone has to be the magic behind Christmas, but I wish it was a little more evenly split. My hubby is also wonderful and tries to be there for as much as he can... but he hasn't been so ingrained with the idea that all the magic comes from US and not from the season itself. So it requires a lot more delegation on my part. 

    We're also trying to keep things simpler than most other years. The individual piles of gifts for the kids are rather pathetic compared to past years and not buying anyone outside of our little family anything. I feel bad about it because I would love to get my mili-besty and her son something. But I'm also terrible at buying gifts. They're always too much money for something no one likes. My mili-besty is always so generous. I don't know what to do. I know she already got me something. Why is this eating at me so bad?? I don't know how to show someone I love them through gifts. Its never been my thing. But I can see my deficit. 

My Counselor Needs Counseling

    I got a referral for Behavioral Counseling after I lost my pregnancy. It took forever for them to schedule me but during the wait, I have been praying about it, hoping that the counselor they gave me would be a really good fit. 

     The guy was not the right councelor for me. He's 64. He has long scraggly grey hair. He talked about his life SO MUCH. I literally felt like he talked more than I did. And he would NOT. Stop. Adjusting himself in his pants. 

    During the first appointment, he asked me if I had kids just so he could launch into a 10 minute long story about his daughter (who has two masters because she's very intelligent. And the reason I know she's very intelligent is because he repeated this multiple times) quitting her job to become a canoeing instructor and how disappointing that was to him and his wife. And at the end of the very long and boring and nothing-to-do-with-me-or-why-I-am-in-counseling story, he said, "What was my point? Oh yeah. You have three kids. Don't be surprised when they grow up to make decisions who can't understand." (insert annoyed and very confused expression here). Do I say anything? No. I smiled and nod and act like this is such WISDOM. And then I say, "But she's feeding her soul. And getting paid to do it. That's true success. That's the only success worth having." And he acted like this had never occurred to him.

    Excuse me, sir. I am not here... to counsel you.

    And when he asked me why I chose counseling NOW... I told him that I had miscarried. And that I was alone when it happened. And he said, "I know what you're going through. I totally understand it. My wife gave birth to our daughter three months early." I let that hang in the air, fully expecting more of an explanation... like she had gone through multiple losses before that... or... SOMETHING. And so then I asked, "Oh, were you not there?" And he said, "No, I was there with her." I just left it alone after that. He had nothing to offer me. He was an idiot. So I smiled and nodded and made chit-chat for the rest of the meeting.

    I know all about his finances. I know he has a good retirement. I know he has a good friend named Bob. I also know he met with another woman who was struggling with her husband's parenting style. He also kept talking to me about how wanting lots of control over my life isn't correct. Not my problem?? I never said anything to lead him to believe that I need things a particular way.

    Towards the end of the meeting, he asked me what I would like to get out of counseling, and I told him, "I need better tools. I need to learn to regulate my emotions and control when I'm in my big feelings. I am too angry and my kids suffer because of it." And he said, "That's normal. Everything you're feeling is normal. You don't need to worry about highs and lows." And I wish with all my heart I had said, "It's not my normal. And I need help." But instead... I smiled. And nodded. Like a bouncing-headed dog in the back of a car. And when he signed me up for another session the following week, I went along with it. And then I walked out of the building and cried. I complained to my mom, to my husband, to my Titus 2, to my sister, to my friend. And they all told me to call and get a different counselor.

    I gave him one more chance (saw him yesterday), and I did a better job of interrupting his long-winded stories about himself and his life. I tried to address the things that I'm struggling with. But I felt like he just argued with me the whole time. Telling me how normal and fine everything was. But not in like... a comforting way. Not in a, "Are you worried this isn't normal? Can I help you process the things that you are struggling with?" way. He kept addressing things that I wasn't talking about. Like... he brought up marital problems. I never brought up my husband. I never said he was an area of my life I was struggling with. And when I said my husband and I have been getting along really well and I don't have anything I want to talk about in regards to that, he told me a long story about how he and his wife met, broke up, got back together, barely have anything in common and give each other LOTS of space, and went through a rough period where they separated and lived in different houses shortly after they got married. Okay? Not why I'm here, sir.

     When he would let me talk, I picked non-personal topics, basic issues that I have, nothing that would make me emotional. Things like keeping the house clean. Things to do with ADHD struggles. 

    He kept asking, "Who are you comparing yourself to?" 

    And I kept saying, "No one. I'm setting my own goals and I can't measure up to them." 

    I used brushing teeth as an example. Like, I want to brush the kids teeth AT LEAST every day, and floss at least a few times a week, but ideally, I would like to brush twice a day and floss every day. The dentist has been telling me I need to do this. Everyone KNOWS this is the standard for good hygeine. HE ARGUED WITH ME. 

   He said, "I only brush once a day. Not everyone is the same. Everyone is going to do things differently."

     I was like, "Yeah, that's why I said I'm willing to work within failure to live up to my ideal goal. But I am frustrated that I often don't even THINK of brushing their teeth. How can something that should be a daily standard not even occur to me?" 

    His response was very dismissive and argumentative. He believes it's all fine and normal and I shouldn't worry about it or try to change it.

    Brushing teeth is a very basic thing. But let's say for arguments sake, having better dental hygeine and teaching my kids to take care of their teeth ISN'T important. If I tell you that I want to make a change and that it's important to me... ARGUING THAT I SHOULDN'T is NOT helpful therapy!!!

    And arguing about dental hygeine is actually NOT why I signed up for counseling??? So it felt like a SUPREME waste of time. I told him I wasn't interested in setting up another appointment and then went out to the car and cried. 

     I genuinely had put faith that God would lead me to a counselor that could help me process my grief and come up with a bag of tools to regulate my emotions when I'm in my big feelings. (This is also stuff I tried to talk to the counselor about, just so you know, it just went nowhere). And when this is yet another prayer that feels unanswered, it felt like... Okay. So what is there left to believe in really? I lost faith in the church years ago. I lost faith in my father for good. I lost faith in the Bible (not in totality, just in moderation). And now... I have lost faith in therapy. I don't know how to not lose faith in God as well. I don't WANT to lose faith in Him.

And then... without fanfare or immediate comfort, I remembered that my friend from bible study does her Titus 2 calling (the verse about older women teaching younger women to love their husbands and children) on Tuesday mornings. She sets up in the food court of the BX and is just available in case a woman might need someone to talk to. 17 minutes later I was walking into the food court, and there she was, working on our bible study homework all alone. She was happy to see me, welcomed me and my baby girl with a hug and a stack of papers and markers for the baby to play with. And then asked me, "So, mama. How are we today. " And I let the whole tale tumble from me. She was SO helpful!!!! She got to the gist and thrust of what I'm struggling with. She treated me like I was valid and important and helped me see things from another perspective. I mean... she gave me more to focus on, work towards, and actual ADVICE in 20 minutes than in the two 60 minute sessions with the fucking counselor who has been doing this job for 36 years.

God is good. And He answers. He does. He doesn't do it the way you want. He doesn't do it in the time you expect Him to do it. And you have to meet Him halfway. Do you know how often my Titus 2 is sitting in that food court? I have been here for over a year. And she is there EVERY Tuesday. Every single week. And this is the FIRST time I've gone.

I'm just saying. Women are amazing.

Your Favorite Color

 Sometimes I feel like I'm collecting facts 

All about you

Remembering all the details

And reciting them by heart

How you love rainbows

Laying on the trampoline, eating popsicles

Yodeling about macaroni as a light bulb explodes

Naked, running down the road in the middle of the night

No one else knowing how to break into our bubble.

Shows that make you laugh

Habit-forming amounts of your favorite kinds of food

I can never know enough

Even when we talk all day,

Laughter filling every second

Days of visiting filled with a thousand

Special moments that will never be forgotten.

Beneath the joy, there is so much love

Even when the laughter feels faraway

Anything worthy of sharing, I want to share with you first

Marriage proposals, pregnancy announcements

Sad moments and the happiest news

Prayers for better times, I know I can count on you

Rarely do I ever hold secrets from you

You are my person, my besty, my buddy, my dearest friend.

Over mountains and oceans, my heart stays with you:

Resolved to fix the distance someday. 

Dear A

 Hey friend. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, I’m not really sure why. Maybe you’re always a little bit on my mind, even if I try to think about other things. 

I wanna talk about the hard stuff. The stuff we couldn’t put into words when we were 6 years old. Or 10 and 16 years old. The stuff we didn’t really understand. You were my best friend. And I had my issues, my weirdness. My traumas. But you… I think you were going through so much worse and I didn’t know. I still don’t really know. I just want to ask you… were you safe? 

I wasn’t safe that one night alone in the den on the pull-out sofa. I don’t know how I knew I wasn’t safe. I don’t know what made me flip over and try to protect myself. But he came in anyway and did what he did. And I think about that a lot. Because the second I told my safe people, a wall of protection came around me and I never had a sleepover with anyone ever again. I was protected. 

What about you? Did it happen to you? Did you ever have peace? He was supposed to be your protector. And he was a monster. Did anyone ever listen to you? Were your siblings safe? Did you grow up and move away and cut off all contact, or is he still there, fluttering around the edges of your life, reminding you that he is undefeated?  

There were rumors of why you moved, but I never knew them until I was an adult. The day I told you what happened, we were both so young. I shouldn’t have said anything to you when I didn’t fully understand it. You went so catatonic, just sitting on the swing in my orchard, staring forward. I didn’t understand that. I thought you were being goofy. I thought you didn’t believe me. I did anything I could to try to “cheer you up”, and I honestly… don’t remember what happened after that.

When I saw you at your cousin’s wedding, he wasn’t there and I felt like we had one of the best weekends of our friendship. When we went to a Celtic Festival. It was the first time I had seen him since that night. He grabbed my sides and roared to give me a jump scare. And I didn’t know what to do, but you pulled me away and while we hustled far away from his sneering chuckle, you whispered, “I hate (him).” With so much anger, I suddenly realized… what if I’m not the only one? What if you lived in that scared moment every night of your life? What if there was no one to slam down a wall of safety? 

A, I think about it. And if it didn’t happen to you… I’m sorry it happened to your friends. I’m sorry you couldn’t trust him. I’m sorry he made you lose people. Like you slowly lost me. I think about you so often. When we reconnected on social media and chatted a bit, you said that your parents were still married. That your family was all in the same general area. And it hurt my heart. It made me so angry. Nothing ever happened to him? He just stayed married to your gentle, happy, crunchy mom… who danced like a fairy and laughed with her head back and her curls bouncing.

I just want to know what happened. I wanna know if you’re okay. I wanna know if you’re hurting. I wanna know if I can help at all. I couldn’t help you then. Maybe I still can’t. But if you ever need to talk about it… from someone who might have seen a small part of what your secrets were… I am here. 

Love always,

Me. 

Political Politics

 I have no political insights. I have no depth of understanding. I personally believe if you can get to the point where you could actually be elected president, you're too corrupt to run the country. But walking away from this election... it's been such a bizarre experience. That a felon could be elected over a female human. That the largest voter turnout in years yielded a cheeto-colored racist misogynist freudster with a history of sexual assault and a bathroom full of classified documents... won. And people are celebrating by turning on minorities in their communities, gleefully boasting about getting to have more say over what happens over a woman's body than she does, and comparing the dumpster-fire of a president-elect to King David in the bible. 

    I'm not saying that his opponent was the cream of the crop or that I was excited about her and all her policies... But she was the lesser of two evils. She was something new. She was a beacon of hope towards a progressive future... the first Woman President. I don't understand how that didn't win over toxic masculinity in a puffy-hateful baboon of a human. 

    I was listening to someone talk about what happened with the far-right was the ruling majority in all branches of government in Poland. It wasn't a pretty story for them. I don't know that that is what is going to happen in America... I'm just saying I can see why people are scared. 

Catching the Blue

 The thing about depression is it's hard to know you're really depressed. Especially if you're like me and you go from totally fine to wanting to die in 24 hours notice. I don't know that its actually a desire to die though. It's a desire for something else. But having absolutely no energy for anything. I can smile and even laugh, I can enjoy myself... and still feel totally separate from those emotions. Its just a thing that is happening, it's not actually changing the depression. I want to explain it to someone, but I don't know how to say it. It's not something that feels explainable. I hate everyone and everything, but also desperately want to connect, but have no desire to do anything to connect with people who love me and probably want to help me.     

My husband feels a thousand miles away. He can walk in and ask me how I'm doing and I can say one of a thousand answers, none of which would actually make him understand me or give me the connection I want from him. Sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in a dream world where I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and everyone around me is just staring like nothing's happening. Or they start laughing. I'm panic-in carnet and they are all just giggling like I'm being funny.    

I have nightmares that he's cheating on me constantly. Maybe its because we don't really have anything in common. He's one sexy secretary away from realizing I'm a lazy fat piece of shit with too many insecurities to love anyone because I'm too wrapped up in my own problems. He's not a stud by any stretch of the imagination, but I love him and am insanely attracted to him and I can easily imagine any other woman being attracted to him too. It's all in my head though. But then... everything is. Love is in my head. Emotions. Personality. Depression. Isn't it all just in my head? What changes something from being "just in your head" into being real? Something other people can also experience I suppose.

  But how do you make someone else experience your depression so they take you seriously? I don't feel taken seriously. I don't really feel anything some days. Maybe I need to up my Zoloft. I feel like a shell. I constantly want to disassociate. Why does my depression need someone else to validate it? What would make it valid? If I killed myself? I don't want to do that. I don't actually want to die. I just want to feel like I'm alive. And it hasn't felt like that in a few days. 

I wonder how often people are supposed to feel this down. Blue days. Its like a cold sometimes. I just catch a blue. This Blue is particularly nasty. I still managed to take care of the kids, cook three meals. Clean the kitchen. Do laundry. Wash all the dishes. And get dressed this morning. I suppose if I didn't manage, then someone might take me more seriously. But it feels like the depression makes me mask extra hard when it's this numbing. If I can do, then I will survive. But why would I want to continue to survive to feel... nothing? 

I don't think you're supposed to seek seratonin boosts from your husband. I mean, you're definitely supposed to feel supported and loved and feel good around your husband, why else would anyone seek companionship? But I don't think you're supposed to chase after it like a drug. Or not feel anything unless he's around. Or get angry when he doesn't automatically understand how to fill you up. I want him to fill me up. Feel me up. Do all the husband/boyfriend/lover things that give you tingles to your toes and make you feel like a person who is worthy of attention. Lusted after. I don't know that he knows how to do that. I don't think he wants to lust after ANYONE real. Its sinful. 

I don't feel a desire to pray about it. The farthest I get is "Dear Heavenly Father" but it bounces around my clogged brain and goes nowhere. I don't know that I believe in any of it anymore. It was comforting once. Now its just a lot of platitudes and childhood cult doctrines. I don't know how to make it feel real again. I don't think God forgives you for turning on your whole religion, no matter what heading it falls under. 

My head feels thick. It's hard to keep it upright. I just want to lie down all the time. Gravity is working extra hard today and I'm living in my bedroom again. I just want to be engaged with life, but life seems too exhausting. I wonder who's out living right now? I'd love to hear a happy story. I bet people had healthy babies today. Something probably got married. Someone is celebrating a birthday, a promotion, a win that makes their day. Someone just met the love of their life. Someone is confiding in their best friend and feeling heard and supported for the first time. Its all happening outside in the world at this exact moment. Will I ever feel those zings ever again? I've never really been a happy cryer. Will that ever happen to me? Maybe when my kids get married. Or I meet my grandbabies. Maybe I will live long enough to see everyone I love happy and settled somewhere. 

Its okay to feel blue. It's okay to be depressed. This will no last. But I'm going to lie back down until I feel like I can survive upright again. 

Updates and Downdates

 It wasn't my fault. I know that much. Vials and vials of blood. Tests run on me and on him. But the only answer we're left with is... no one really knows why. Women have gone through their whole pregnancies doing drugs and drinking alcohol and smoking and taking multiple sex partners. And they have given birth to healthy babies. Maybe small babies. Maybe addicted babies. But whole, full-term babies who will one day outlive the abuse of living in a mother who didn't care about being pregnant. But here I am, relatively healthy, never tried a single drug, never smoked anything, gave up drinking when my mother-in-law died months before getting pregnant, but never really was much of a drinker to begin with. And my baby is gone. For no real tangible reason. 

    It makes me mad. But it also gives me some peace. I can try to blame myself for drinking caffeine occasionally... taking a single ibuprofen for a raging headache... blame my BMI, perhaps, but I can't hold on to any of those for very long because a thousand other things tell me my baby should have been healthy. I didn't do anything wrong. I just had bad luck. Bad timing. Bad something that I will never know for sure. 

    I find myself turning angry anyway. Angry with myself. My husband. My 3 children. I just want to be peaceful. I want to feel normal. I want to turn my brain off. Why does it burn eternally with a never ending narration? I fall asleep to it and wake up to it. It's negative and repetitive and noisy and obnoxious and it never shuts up.