I feel like I am a gas-filled, light headed, vomitting nightmare. Pregnancy is so freaking hard. Had you told me this even a day before I found out I was pregnant, I would have dismissed every one of your warnings and laughed to myself about how amazing MY pregnancy was going to be. This is truly one of those miracles of life that is indescribable until it is happening to you. Trust me, I know that I am lucky... there are so many women who have so many more issues during pregnancy. I have no outside stress... I can focus one hundred percent on just taking care of my body and not have to worry about doing this whole pregnancy and functioning as a worker or mother or human person. I have literally nothing to do besides be pregnant. And still, it seems like an overwhelming amount of work. I cannot imagine having to do this with a job. Or having to be pregnant AROUND OTHER PEOPLE who expect things from you. I am glad that I get to go through it the first time without another child to take care of. That horror will come in two years when I plan on having my second. Living so far away from everyone has been one of those bags of mixed candy that also has some nuts and dog poop in it. Haha! There are some good things in there, but they're all kind of ruined by the fact that I don't have my family here.
4 months. It's crazy. Next month, I will be halfway done. I keep thinking that 6 months is the halfway mark, but it isn't... Thank goodness. I would hate to have to do this for a whole year!
Don't get me wrong!! I am so thrilled, ecstatic overjoyed to be carrying life... healthy, happy, growing life inside of me. It's not a blessing I take lightly.
But believe me when I say that this shit is no joke. You have all kinds of discomfort and pain and if you aren't throwing up, you're bursting into tears and when you have a really good happy day, you don't fit into your cute clothes and things that used to mildly annoy are the reason for murder. Like my dog. MY precious little poodle mix. She whines every time she wants to get up on my bed with me. And she has to be on the bed. There is no debating with her. There's no putting her some where else because she is relentless and unstoppable. And she can jump up onto my bed just fine, but she doesn't WANT to jump. She sits and whines at me until I yell at her enough she jumps up herself, or until I pick her up. I have no patience for this anymore. The first little breathy wheeze she makes at me has my blood boiling. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I have a tiny baby sucking the milk and life out of me after 2 hours of sleep and my dog is sitting next to my bed WHINING because I won't pick her up so she can lick her butt on my pillow.
If I kill my dog, I plead insanity. I want you to know that I do love her and I like to cuddle with her. But that whine drives me to the edges of reason.
My mother is just about the best being on the whole planet when it comes to all things family. It just breaks my heart that we're so far apart.
A few weekends ago, for my birthday, my husband took me to Denver to stay with my aunt and visit the zoo and my mother ended up flying out to surprise me there, since plane tickets are so cheap from Cali to Denver. I hadn't really realized how much I had needed her. How much I had missed that connection that only she seems to be able to give me. That while I had been FEELING pregnant in my body in all of the terrible ways that pregnancy makes you feel, I hadn't been FEELING pregnant in my heart and head in all those lovely ways you want to feel pregnant. And just by being around me with her constant stream of love through touch and conversation, she opened this door that I hadn't realized had been locked up inside of me and let me feel all those happy pregnant feelings. I was finally allowing myself to buy maternity clothes and baby items and talk about being pregnant. I gave myself permission to be tired and nauseated and not do anything. I think sometimes you need another person to tell you, "This is valid." before you allow yourself to take care of yourself as if you deserve it. My mom has always been the number one best person to do that for all her children.
But the long weekend ended and back in my everyday life, I'm missing her love so much. Every time I picture the summer, I'm at home in Cali... going to the beach every day, lounging in the sun, eating fro-yo with my sisters, seeing my niece play in water for the first time, shopping with my best friend, taking road trips to see old friends. It breaks my heart that I probably will be here alone in my house all summer, waiting for my husband to come home from work. Waiting for my mom to come when it's my time to give birth. Waiting for the baby. Sometimes it feels like I will always have to miss the most important parts of my life.
If I were to go home for the summer, I would miss my husband so much. He wouldn't get to see my stomach grow. Feel the baby kick. He wouldn't get to take all the adventures with me. And I hate that. I just wish that we lived together. Or at least close enough to go visit without it either costing an arm and a leg, or two days trapped in a car.
I want my baby to grow up not knowing what it's like to miss their grandparents. I want to be able to drop off my kids for the weekend with my folks and getting to lounge around naked with my husband all weekend. That's not really an option when you live the military life. And while I am so grateful for everything the military provides, and the opportunities to explore the world, it breaks my heart that it comes at the cost of living far from my family.
