I have never picked out a car for myself before. Never before gotten to find something that felt like my own vehicle. I had an 800 dollar car after high school that my mother and my sister had found and I paid them both back for it. I loved that car. A little Subaru Legacy wagon... 1992. I put stickers all over it and across the back was "Dude Magnet". She was my happy little ride for about 6 years. She would not die, either. Everything was wrong with her. But she just kept chugging along. For the first few years of owning her, I never once put any oil in her... she died on me at the top of the hill on the way to college, but I took her into my mechanic friend and he put her all right and she kept on going. And going. And going. She was my little energizer bunny. When the government funded the buy back program the only stipulations were the car had to drive onto the pick and pull lot and it had to fail smog. Try as I might, she would not fail smog. So we ended up selling her to someone else and the money went to fund my sister's wedding.
But yesterday I got to shop, test, and buy a car just for me. With all the things I like and exactly the crappy second (or third or fourth) hand car that I wanted. It's another Subaru Legacy, but a 2003. And not a wagon. I have only driven her once, but I absolutely love her. I have named her Stella and I am going to treat her right.
I have never really had brand loyalty before, but Subaru... they have a costumer for life in me.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Organic Pureed Sweet Potatoes
6 Months old was just around the corner and I was so excited to celebrate this little milestone by buying some organic pureed sweet potatoes for my baby to try. Solid food. For the first time. I was so elated. It was one of the reasons I was at the grocery store, though, not the only one. I bustled around, collecting my cart of groceries, almost done when I got to the baby food aisle. A whole aisle just for babies. An aisle I have never really needed before. Shelf after shelf of a hundred different brands and flavors of foods for your baby to try.
I joyfully stopped in front of the organic options, checking labels to make sure they hadn't added anything else as a filler to these little jars of change. Change. It hit me like a sack full of bricks. This tiny thing that I had carried inside my body for 9 months was changing. She was 6 months old. About to start eating food out of a jar. Food from FOOD and not from me.
She needed me a little less. Obviously she still NEEDED me, I mean, I'm not about to pack her bags and send her off to find her own apartment or anything... but for the first time, she needed me a little less. And standing in an empty aisle, competing brands of organic pureed sweet potatoes in each of my hands, I started to cry. I wanted this. I wanted her to grow and change and experience all the interesting fun things life has to offer! I want her to taste all the different foods and get taller and learn to talk and go out on her own.
But that didn't change the fact that at this moment, sitting at home with her daddy, was a little 5 month old baby who still needed me for everything. Everything. And I was sad to give up even a little of that for her to grow.
I am not one of those women who expects her child to always hold me first in their list of priorities. I am not obsessive or a worrywart. I don't feel like I love my child with a new depth and type of love than I have ever loved before, or ever could again. I think love is just love, and one day someone else should be more important to her than I am. I know that God should always come before me in her heart, and one day, I hope she puts her husband and her kids before me too.
But in this moment, standing in the harsh lighting of my local Safeway, I wanted her to need me and just me a little longer.
The moment passed, and I chose a bottle of pure sweet potatoes and stashed it in the cart with the rest of my veggies and goods, eyeballed the other options and as I was about to walk away randomly reached out and grabbed some mashed bananas too. Because I was excited for her to try a variety of flavors. And I am thrilled that she's growing so well. She can already sit up. It feels like it's happened over night. It's made my life a touch more easy too, since now I don't have to worry about her getting bored on her back where she can only look at the boring ceiling. I wiped the silly tears from my eyes and went on to buy the last few ingredients I needed for a part dish, paid and left.
A few days later, I let her try the sweet potato-breastmilk cool soup with a little spoon, and while she was excited to have the spoon in her mouth, she didn't look that excited by the flavor. So it's still mostly breastmilk for now. And I can't say that I'm that disappointed.
I joyfully stopped in front of the organic options, checking labels to make sure they hadn't added anything else as a filler to these little jars of change. Change. It hit me like a sack full of bricks. This tiny thing that I had carried inside my body for 9 months was changing. She was 6 months old. About to start eating food out of a jar. Food from FOOD and not from me.
She needed me a little less. Obviously she still NEEDED me, I mean, I'm not about to pack her bags and send her off to find her own apartment or anything... but for the first time, she needed me a little less. And standing in an empty aisle, competing brands of organic pureed sweet potatoes in each of my hands, I started to cry. I wanted this. I wanted her to grow and change and experience all the interesting fun things life has to offer! I want her to taste all the different foods and get taller and learn to talk and go out on her own.
But that didn't change the fact that at this moment, sitting at home with her daddy, was a little 5 month old baby who still needed me for everything. Everything. And I was sad to give up even a little of that for her to grow.
I am not one of those women who expects her child to always hold me first in their list of priorities. I am not obsessive or a worrywart. I don't feel like I love my child with a new depth and type of love than I have ever loved before, or ever could again. I think love is just love, and one day someone else should be more important to her than I am. I know that God should always come before me in her heart, and one day, I hope she puts her husband and her kids before me too.
But in this moment, standing in the harsh lighting of my local Safeway, I wanted her to need me and just me a little longer.
The moment passed, and I chose a bottle of pure sweet potatoes and stashed it in the cart with the rest of my veggies and goods, eyeballed the other options and as I was about to walk away randomly reached out and grabbed some mashed bananas too. Because I was excited for her to try a variety of flavors. And I am thrilled that she's growing so well. She can already sit up. It feels like it's happened over night. It's made my life a touch more easy too, since now I don't have to worry about her getting bored on her back where she can only look at the boring ceiling. I wiped the silly tears from my eyes and went on to buy the last few ingredients I needed for a part dish, paid and left.
A few days later, I let her try the sweet potato-breastmilk cool soup with a little spoon, and while she was excited to have the spoon in her mouth, she didn't look that excited by the flavor. So it's still mostly breastmilk for now. And I can't say that I'm that disappointed.
Hard Feelings
"Hope there are no hard feelings."
What does that mean, "hard feelings"? What are hard feelings? Hard to express feelings? Hard to talk about feelings? Hard to hear feelings? They're usually used in a context of anger. "I guess I have some hard feelings..." Is it a hardening of your heart? I have a hard heart against you? Hard feelings.
Aren't most feelings hard? Wouldn't it be so much easier if you were just a blank slate 100% of the time. No feelings. You get up. You do the work you need to do. You go to bed. Easy. So many "dystopian future" movies emphasize these sorts of worker-bee methods. Deaden the senses, pacify the public... work in peace. But work without love. Without joy. Without any of the good stuff that comes along with the big complicated feelings.
Hard feelings. What does the dictionary say about this? "Feelings of resentment". Resentment. "Bitter indignation at being treated unfairly." Unfair. "Unkind. Inconsiderate. Unreasonable."
If it were up to me, I would say those are easy feelings. It's easy to resent. To become bitter. It would be much more difficult to forgive. To have goodwill towards someone who has done you an unkindness.
But I didn't make up the english language, and I suppose it's not my job to fix it.
What does that mean, "hard feelings"? What are hard feelings? Hard to express feelings? Hard to talk about feelings? Hard to hear feelings? They're usually used in a context of anger. "I guess I have some hard feelings..." Is it a hardening of your heart? I have a hard heart against you? Hard feelings.
Aren't most feelings hard? Wouldn't it be so much easier if you were just a blank slate 100% of the time. No feelings. You get up. You do the work you need to do. You go to bed. Easy. So many "dystopian future" movies emphasize these sorts of worker-bee methods. Deaden the senses, pacify the public... work in peace. But work without love. Without joy. Without any of the good stuff that comes along with the big complicated feelings.
Hard feelings. What does the dictionary say about this? "Feelings of resentment". Resentment. "Bitter indignation at being treated unfairly." Unfair. "Unkind. Inconsiderate. Unreasonable."
If it were up to me, I would say those are easy feelings. It's easy to resent. To become bitter. It would be much more difficult to forgive. To have goodwill towards someone who has done you an unkindness.
But I didn't make up the english language, and I suppose it's not my job to fix it.
Monday, February 12, 2018
Goals for 2018
1. Seek God. Pray. Read the bible. Attend church. Focus on him.
2. Read more. Like... at least 50 books this year.
3. Cuss less. Clean up my mind and my mouth
4. Budget. Get on top of my finances. Control my money, so it doesn't control me.
5. Blog once a week. Even if it's not very big. Even if it's not very enlightening. Do the work.
6. Pack my husband lunches. (This will help on budgeting too)
7. Walk as much as possible. (when the weather gets nice again)
8. Cook more at home. Expand my recipe book. Get more skills in the kitchen.
9. Travel more. See more states. Get outside more often.
10. Focus on Ducky. She'll only be this small for a little while, so take the time to eyeball her. Everything else can wait.
2. Read more. Like... at least 50 books this year.
3. Cuss less. Clean up my mind and my mouth
4. Budget. Get on top of my finances. Control my money, so it doesn't control me.
5. Blog once a week. Even if it's not very big. Even if it's not very enlightening. Do the work.
6. Pack my husband lunches. (This will help on budgeting too)
7. Walk as much as possible. (when the weather gets nice again)
8. Cook more at home. Expand my recipe book. Get more skills in the kitchen.
9. Travel more. See more states. Get outside more often.
10. Focus on Ducky. She'll only be this small for a little while, so take the time to eyeball her. Everything else can wait.
When You Commit To God
All my life, growing up in a pretty strict religion, with pretty strict parents, I was taught to commit myself, my life, and my future to God's divine will. But it came along with this caveat that when you commit to God, that's when Satan is going to attack you. In Bible class, in baptism class, in every sermon, the implored us to turn to God, to commit to a life serving Him, and then explained that Satan was gonna get mad and try to tempt you away.
I never realized how much that bothered me. How much that turned me away from actually TRYING to seek God. It was just a fact. A known fact that you have to fight with the devil in order to have a connection to God.
But lately, I've been doing the 12 week devotional laid out in The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron (and Mark Bryan). They don't call it a devotional, though they do talk about God a lot. There aren't many Bible verses in it or references to Satan. And they leave enough interpretation there for people who don't believe in God to understand and follow the book, calling Him "the universe" and "creative energy" and things like that, never losing sight of the fact that our desire for Divine Intervention comes from an all powerful Being. Anyway. In this book, there is a lot of uplifting advice. Advice about listening to God and listening to yourself. Trusting that if you follow the dreams and talents The Great Creator has given you, He will bless it.
In Week 2, under the subheading "Skepticism", the author talks about the "coincidences" that happen after you begin to listen to your inner artist. These "coincidences" look a lot like answered prayer. There is this quote, "One of the things most worth noting in a creative recovery is our reluctance to take seriously the possibility that the universe just might be cooperating with our new and expanding plans." (page 50, 51)
It was like my mind expanded after I read this. That God would REWARD us for following Him... would truly HELP us once we commit to Him... it wasn't exactly a new concept. It just had never made sense to me before. There's this saying I learn in my Human Development class in college, I was trying to find the actual quote, but it seems that it might have been exaggerated by my teacher. The quote she said was, "For every negative comment, you need 40 positive ones, just to get back to a neutral." But according to Google, the actual quote (from the Harvard Business Review) is, "And the optimal ratio is amazingly similar- 5 positive comments for every negative one." in their study of the Ideal Praise-to-Criticism Ratio. Which I think is much easier to do.
But anyway... the point I want you to take away is that if all you're hearing about and focusing on is how much Satan's going to attack you... that's all you're going to see. If you focus on the negative, that's all you're going to be. When you TEACH only the negative, that's all people are going to come away with.
One of my goals this year, (and I will probably write out all of them on here in a later post) is to Seek God. It's been a lot easier than I thought it would be, because God has given me so many reasons to think about him. I noticed whenever I've been irritated with my dearest Petal, or feeling overwhelmed by my little Ducky, I have immediately begun to pray. This isn't incredibly uncommon or anything... but every single time, I have NOTICED.
And the funny thing is, I feel like He's noticing right back. And, much to my surprise, He's been answering me in wonderful and amazing ways.
I was feeling very lonely and separated from my family, and I prayed that my oldest sister would call me. Not even an hour later, my phone rings and it's her. I have been longing for a snow day, and last week, God gave us not one, but TWO snow days that buffered the weekend, so Petal and I got 4 glorious days snuggling within a warm house while snow fell without. I prayed that Ducky would sleep from 9 at night till 4 in the morning, making it the longest she had slept in one stretch at night. God one-upped me and allowed her to sleep till 6. (Of course I woke up anyway because my body is attuned and had to check on her to make sure she was alright. But still!) I have been worried about how I'm going to get to MOPS, God provided a ride. We were unsure about a job opportunity, and God blessed us. There have been so many amazing things that make my dreams, my life, my commitment to God feel important, valid, answered... Reciprocated. I have been in love with God for so long and never felt like He loved me back. I mean, I know He loves me. But to quote a song by John Mayer, "Love is a Verb." And I'm finally seeing His actions in my life.
But Satan is here too. Just as I was feeling this great swelling of hope, faith, and love... My poppa got sick. Really sick. The kind of sick that knocks you off your feet and forces you to face your mortality. My poppa has been so big and important in my life. He's been a force of love, an example to look up to, and a huge bubble of joy. Right in the midst of this amazing discovery, this mind-blowing answer to a million little prayers, my favorite grandfather fell sick. Actually, he's been sick for a long time. They just figured out what was wrong.
And it would be so easy to fall right back into that disappointment. To run away from the Creator because, maybe if I'm a little more neutral, Satan won't bother me and my family. If I stop praying so much, he won't feel like attacking us.
But I can't seem to do that. Since seeing the power of God moving in my life, I just feel like there's too much at stake to back away from Him now. And once I made that commitment, after I got out of my funk, I saw God's blessings again.
My poppa wanted knee surgery. And they discovered his heart problems. If he didn't have awful knees, he wouldn't have known he was vulnerable to strokes. He would never have gotten on the medications he needs to get stronger. He would never have made the commitment to change his diet and exercise a little more. How incredible is that? God is still taking care of him... of me... of my little family.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us- whatever we ask- we know that we have asked it of Him." 1 John 5:14, 15 (NIV).
"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." 1 Chronicles 16:11 (NIV)
"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in His holy people," Ephesians 1:18 (NIV)
"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people." Ephesians 6:18 (NIV)
"Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen." Jeremiah 29:12 (NIV)
I never realized how much that bothered me. How much that turned me away from actually TRYING to seek God. It was just a fact. A known fact that you have to fight with the devil in order to have a connection to God.
But lately, I've been doing the 12 week devotional laid out in The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron (and Mark Bryan). They don't call it a devotional, though they do talk about God a lot. There aren't many Bible verses in it or references to Satan. And they leave enough interpretation there for people who don't believe in God to understand and follow the book, calling Him "the universe" and "creative energy" and things like that, never losing sight of the fact that our desire for Divine Intervention comes from an all powerful Being. Anyway. In this book, there is a lot of uplifting advice. Advice about listening to God and listening to yourself. Trusting that if you follow the dreams and talents The Great Creator has given you, He will bless it.
In Week 2, under the subheading "Skepticism", the author talks about the "coincidences" that happen after you begin to listen to your inner artist. These "coincidences" look a lot like answered prayer. There is this quote, "One of the things most worth noting in a creative recovery is our reluctance to take seriously the possibility that the universe just might be cooperating with our new and expanding plans." (page 50, 51)
It was like my mind expanded after I read this. That God would REWARD us for following Him... would truly HELP us once we commit to Him... it wasn't exactly a new concept. It just had never made sense to me before. There's this saying I learn in my Human Development class in college, I was trying to find the actual quote, but it seems that it might have been exaggerated by my teacher. The quote she said was, "For every negative comment, you need 40 positive ones, just to get back to a neutral." But according to Google, the actual quote (from the Harvard Business Review) is, "And the optimal ratio is amazingly similar- 5 positive comments for every negative one." in their study of the Ideal Praise-to-Criticism Ratio. Which I think is much easier to do.
But anyway... the point I want you to take away is that if all you're hearing about and focusing on is how much Satan's going to attack you... that's all you're going to see. If you focus on the negative, that's all you're going to be. When you TEACH only the negative, that's all people are going to come away with.
One of my goals this year, (and I will probably write out all of them on here in a later post) is to Seek God. It's been a lot easier than I thought it would be, because God has given me so many reasons to think about him. I noticed whenever I've been irritated with my dearest Petal, or feeling overwhelmed by my little Ducky, I have immediately begun to pray. This isn't incredibly uncommon or anything... but every single time, I have NOTICED.
And the funny thing is, I feel like He's noticing right back. And, much to my surprise, He's been answering me in wonderful and amazing ways.
I was feeling very lonely and separated from my family, and I prayed that my oldest sister would call me. Not even an hour later, my phone rings and it's her. I have been longing for a snow day, and last week, God gave us not one, but TWO snow days that buffered the weekend, so Petal and I got 4 glorious days snuggling within a warm house while snow fell without. I prayed that Ducky would sleep from 9 at night till 4 in the morning, making it the longest she had slept in one stretch at night. God one-upped me and allowed her to sleep till 6. (Of course I woke up anyway because my body is attuned and had to check on her to make sure she was alright. But still!) I have been worried about how I'm going to get to MOPS, God provided a ride. We were unsure about a job opportunity, and God blessed us. There have been so many amazing things that make my dreams, my life, my commitment to God feel important, valid, answered... Reciprocated. I have been in love with God for so long and never felt like He loved me back. I mean, I know He loves me. But to quote a song by John Mayer, "Love is a Verb." And I'm finally seeing His actions in my life.
But Satan is here too. Just as I was feeling this great swelling of hope, faith, and love... My poppa got sick. Really sick. The kind of sick that knocks you off your feet and forces you to face your mortality. My poppa has been so big and important in my life. He's been a force of love, an example to look up to, and a huge bubble of joy. Right in the midst of this amazing discovery, this mind-blowing answer to a million little prayers, my favorite grandfather fell sick. Actually, he's been sick for a long time. They just figured out what was wrong.
And it would be so easy to fall right back into that disappointment. To run away from the Creator because, maybe if I'm a little more neutral, Satan won't bother me and my family. If I stop praying so much, he won't feel like attacking us.
But I can't seem to do that. Since seeing the power of God moving in my life, I just feel like there's too much at stake to back away from Him now. And once I made that commitment, after I got out of my funk, I saw God's blessings again.
My poppa wanted knee surgery. And they discovered his heart problems. If he didn't have awful knees, he wouldn't have known he was vulnerable to strokes. He would never have gotten on the medications he needs to get stronger. He would never have made the commitment to change his diet and exercise a little more. How incredible is that? God is still taking care of him... of me... of my little family.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us- whatever we ask- we know that we have asked it of Him." 1 John 5:14, 15 (NIV).
"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." 1 Chronicles 16:11 (NIV)
"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in His holy people," Ephesians 1:18 (NIV)
"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people." Ephesians 6:18 (NIV)
"Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen." Jeremiah 29:12 (NIV)
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