The fear that washed over me when I saw those two lines appear on the stick was so real and raw. I’m not ready. Evie’s not ready. She’s still breastfeeding! I only miscarried 3 months ago!! This is too soon. And yet... I knew it was coming. The night of conception, I knew this was going to be the result. Even as I lay in the aftermath and panic washed over me as I counted and realized I had lost a week between Christmas and New Years... I knew I was going to get pregnant.
I had asked if Petal would mind if I took the morning after pill. Just the one that postponed your ovulation. Nothing awful. Not the abortion pill people think it is. Just a rush of hormones to push back your egg dropping a little bit. But he said we should trust God.
So now what, God? I trust this is your plan... but I didn’t stop worrying about it for many many months.
Now, I look down at my perfect baby boy, and I know now what God knew then. What an incredible blessing. What an incredible journey to meet my rainbow baby. My little slow moving sloth boy. My husband’s newest best friend. Soon, my daughter will have a perfect playmate. God even knew to make him bald so my vicious hair-pulling two year old would be rendered unable to inflict pain!
And in five short months... we move home again! Home to my family’s town. Home to my beat friend. Home to Cali. Home.
All I have is peace. Joy. And so. Much. Thankfulness.
