Beef Curtains

Sex isn't an easy thing, as I have said before. I mean, it's gotten easier… (I have been married for almost 6 months… I'm an old slut now! Just kidding… ;P…)
But this isn't really about sex. This is specifically about VAGINAS. Or… I should say… VULVAS.
I mean, the vagina is all well an good in the male's view. It's the bit he gets involved with. All the really weird and interesting things are in the vulva. What is the vulva, you ask? Everything you thought the vagina was.

I know.

The wall of Vulvas (Interestingly enough, this was the influence of a penis wall, but the penises are ALL erect. Hmm. Men. Am I right?)

Take a moment to let your mind be blown.
You good? Ok.

The vagina is just the channel leading to your cervix. The vulva is the fur and the wings and the clitoris and the urethra and all the weird stuff that makes the woman so very mysterious.

Enough exposition.

I have had a long battle with the knowledge that one day I will have to reveal this weird gooey (Not actually gooey, just my insecurity) oyster to a human male, and try my best to figure out how to still make him attracted to me. There is an enormous stigma in this culture that a woman is… well… Gross.
It's weird. It's mysterious. It's squishy. It's not altogether pleasant in the aroma department (sometimes). For a long long time, this really ate at me.
But slowly (with some help), I managed to get past this insecurity. I finally realized that guys were attracted to this weird thing. That I would one day meet this wonderful, perfect guy who would love me and it wouldn't matter to him. Because love and sex and discovery and true happiness… meant that there wouldn't be one part of me that wouldn't be wholly and completely loved. Intimacy meant lights on, any time of the day, here and now all of me, all of him, all the time.
It took a long time for me to feel good about it.
And in one, horrible, heartbreaking evening… all the insecurity, all the discouragement… all the rage and disgust at my own body, came flooding back in.

My husband is a good man. An amazing man. A wonderful, God-fearing christian man. Who waited till marriage. Who listened to his mother. Who separated the Jezebel from the Madonna.
It happens so often in our culture. There is the woman you are allowed to (I am so sorry for the language but it's really what it is) f**k, and the woman you marry. There is the sexy stripper, the big-busted porn star, the media's portrayal of Little Miss Lay-Me-and-Leave-Me. And then there is perfection incarnate. The girl you date. The girl you marry. The girl you can take home to Mama and mama would be proud.
There is no small amount of shame for a good christian man to accept his sexuality as well as stay abstinent.
And all his life there are his natural instincts, his drives and desires, competing with righteousness, holiness, and Christlike patience. Here's the world holding sex out with a tantalizing tune of naked seduction, and his parents, bearing down with bible in hand and goals and values hard to sustain in a world drenched in YOLO attitudes.
"Wait until marriage."
"Sex is a sin."
Masturbation is perversion."
"Don't think, don't act, don't look, don't touch… No. No. No."

And then… one day… you get married and suddenly… it's OK?? Just like that. You're supposed to magically accept the sexual side of yourself… and the sexual side of her… Like it's natural and easy.
How are you supposed to sexualize the Madonna? She wasn't allowed to be naked. She's not the girl you are supposed to look at, or touch, or want. She's the other.

So on the evening that I fell from my fantasy of perfect happiness, my husband was innocently expressing his own insecurity. I asked if he would like to leave the lights on. He said, "How offended would you be if I said I wasn't ready yet?" I, in turn, was confused and thought he was referring to his own shyness at being seen naked, and assured him that I had seen him already, thought him wonderful and worth looking at. The look of confusion on his face clued me in, and immediately the splinters of my heart began to fall and jab into my stomach.
"Oh. Oh you mean… me. You aren't ready to see me…"
The turmoil of the rest of that night is too dramatic to recount, and I look back now to cringe on my theatrics, though… they were wholly justified.

The extremes women go to for attention from men is so unfathomable when it's all laid out in a list. So here's a list, and try to fathom it.

• Labiaplasty: a plastic surgery procedure for altering the labia minora (inner labia) and the labia majora (outer labia), the folds of skin surrounding the human vulva (As defined by wikipedia). 
• Boob jobs: You all know what that is.
• Thongs.
• Corsets: Archaic, yes. Still in play? Hell yes.
• Push-up bras: We've all got one for those tops that need the extra kick. AND, most bras just COME with the extra padding. I think it's more difficult to find a bra that doesn't already have a fake boob living inside it nowadays!!
• Negligee: Skippy, uncomfortable, lacy nighties that cost WAY too much and you only really wear for 3 minutes!
• Waxing: The removal of hair through the application of hot wax and cloths. Dribble hot wax on, put on the cloth, then RIP THE SUCKER OFF. No more hair.
• Heels: The argument could be made that we wear heels for women and ourselves just as much as we wear them for guys… but for this list, I feel like they make the cut.
• Make-up: Again… could be for yourself or your girls… but there is an argument to be made for using eyelash lengthening mascara to snare the men-folk and fool them into marrying us. 

(I stole some of the ideas of what to put on my list from Cosmo, like the waxing and heels… I barely shave, let alone wax, so it didn't occur to me by myself).

I have started to feel like the ridiculousness… is all his fault. My husband. Because he has been brainwashed by the system to believe that if it's not sexy to him, he shouldn't have to look at it. 

(My resentment and my logic are at odds because I am a woman and I feel more than I reason). 

The conversation is open for us, and we are working at this hitch in our ability to be divinely happy, but I feel like so many women feel the need to change themselves because they want more of what men have to offer. And regardless of what the femi-Nazis might say… men do have a lot to offer. 

I just wish the world (and how many religious folks choose to teach sexuality) would stop screwing up our husbands. 

Back in the saddle

I wish there was a saddle. It would be nice if just riding in a saddle could be counted as exercise. But what I really mean is I am back to trying to run every day.
After a four day vacation, I have finally allowed myself to go out on my loop again. My leg felt better and I really was sick of having to go without. So! I went on a light walk.
When I got back, I looked up a stretching routine on youtube (I love Fitness Blender! A guy has this soothing easy to follow voice telling the instructions, and a girl is doing the workout. It's really comprehensive) and did a 13 minute exorcise. It was really really nice. I can feel the tension in my shin easing up.
There is something to be said for work. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love to be a stay-at-home mom without any kids. But… There is something to be said for a job. I don't know what I would want to do. I certainly wouldn't want to try to take on driving in Guam by myself (yes! I have driven… and nearly wrecked the car…). Nor would I want to wake up early to go do something I didn't love. But… Sometimes I wish I had SOMETHING to do. Like… Babysitting. Or MOPS. I used to work at MOPS. I was really really happy there. And I used to babysit all the time. But now… I don't think I've gotten to hang out with little kids since I said goodbye to my boys. I miss those guys.

Ellie, Jude, Jack, and Lena
In my wedding

I'm not complaining or anything, because I honestly am quite content. But sometimes, I feel a little at odds with myself. I don't now that I'm doing enough with my time to be considered… "Grown Up". I don't know. I wish I was just… spelled out for me. 

SARAH!!! DO THIS THIS AND THIS AND THEN YOU WILL BE DIVINELY HAPPY….

That was what I think God sounds like… With a deep voice. In all capitals.

I don't know. It's hard when living here is so up in the air. If Chris puts in the command sponsorship papers, we will be here till January 2017… And after that, who knows what we'll be doing. If he doesn't, we'll only be here till January of 2016. Which isn't THAT far away. And if he doesn't do the papers… we'll also have to move, and then what will I do?

I don't know. I just… I just don't know enough. I feel like I see myself as 100% helpmate and nothing more. But that can't be my entire purpose can it? Especially since he probably DOESN'T see himself that way. My life cannot be only about my husband.

But isn't that what God calls me to be?

I don't know. I JUST… Don't… KNOW.

Exercising makes no sense.

I don't get it. I don't understand. They always say, "Just exercise every day. Do something to break a sweat everyday. " But when you are actually doing that… your muscles start to break down and then "they" say, "What? Don't exercise EVERYDAY… you have to let your body regenerate."
…
WHAT?!!
I don't get it. I'm finally at a place in my life where I want to run all the time, and I CAN'T because my legs… my body… my muscles won't let me!!! It doesn't seem fair.
I guess there is the rule of 6's. You can do the same thing for 6 days, then you have to change it up. Allow the muscles you've been using to adapt, and use different muscles.
Which is all fine and good…
But running is something I enjoy and working out abs or doing pilates… I DO NOT. It's easy to coninue moving when you HAVE to get home. Like… You can't give up and just be done mid-run. You would be stuck out in the heat. But when you're at home, you actually have to make a concerted effort to stay focused on working out.
I hate that.
It's hard enough to WANT to work out. But to work out when you have no definite motivation? That's really hard…
It's also a double positive, because when I run, I get to work on my tan. ^_^
I don't know. It's just disappointing.
Today, I was too discouraged and ended up eating two donuts. I've been burping grease all day. It's a terrible decision.
Anyway.

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful.

I love beautiful words.
Words that clash and clang and make noise about making noise.
I love beautiful words.
Words that lull and calm and create a sense of rest.
I love beautiful words.
Words of expression, passion… tension and trust.
I want my words to always be beautiful.
To paint, protect, inspire and soothe.
There are many deaf people in the world,
People who are speaking without thought,
Listening without hearing,
Living without being alive.
I love to be enwrapped in my joy…
To be wrapped up in the giant fluffy feeling of happiness.
I like to be there with someone else.
Someone special.
Some who appreciates clandestine encounters.
Secrets whispered.
Shared moments
Wishes and worries and warrior thoughts.
I love beautiful people with beautiful words.
People who create pictures and feelings without over-explaining.
Mitten shaped memories of snow crusted days.
Breezy words spinning sea-salted air
Over hot bodies, sticky with sand.
Calming prayers about forgotten dolls,
Mislaid memories of beaten blankets,
Spaciously recounted into dark nights under warm covers.
These are the things I love.
These are the moments of twisting vernacular that calm my heart,
Excite my brain,
And swallow my imagination.
These are the words.
Words that make you feel.
Feelings are better than words.
But words that make you feel…
Those are words worth saying.

Day 9 (I think…)

So day 7, when I went for a run and did two loops instead of just the one, I don't know if that was an entirely wise decision. I usually get these sharp burning pains in my shins about mid-run… but that day I just kept right on going. It was fine, they kind of went away for a little while, but as I was walking back on my block, something seemed to snap and I got this burn right in the middle of my shin in one spot. It was really red right there, and even my husband agreed that it was hot to the touch. It wasn't unbearable. It was just kind of a weird hot tight feeling. And if I was sitting, I didn't even notice it. Whenever I stood up, though… I could DEFINITELY feel it. So I looked up all these articles about shin splints. I thought it was just the sharp pains that happen in your shins when you exercise, but apparently they are SERIOUS. They can lead to your shin bone splintering, and eventually breaking. Can you imagine? You're just running along and then all of a sudden your leg snaps? Uh, no thank you. So the recommendation is to take it easy and ice and heat your leg. I soaked in a tub for a while and that definitely helped. Then yesterday I walked the whole way, and only one loop. It was hard, but it was nice too… Then when I came home I did a WHOLE bunch of stretching. My leg still felt iffy this morning, but I went out anyway. It loosened up and I ran a good length back.
So I think I'm in the clear, but still!
It's hard to keep up your momentum when your body is telling you to quit. I'm glad I listened enough to help my leg, but didn't give up entirely.
Now I'm faced with a whole other problem!
Cramps. Of the lady variety.
There is NOTHING that wipes me out, quite like the crippling pain of fertility. I beat them today, but as I was walking back, I could feel them coming on. I took a bunch of aspirin. But there is no guarantee that will help.
Yesterday was a hard day emotionally too. I don't know why, but sometimes everything just… sucks. I can't stay happy. I just wallow. I'm a wallower, I think. It's not even that anything happened. It's just that sadness hits me like a sickness. "I've come down with a blue." Like coming down with a cold.
My husband is so good with me when it hits me. He holds my hand. Offers to get me anything I want. He'll let me pick a movie. He's just… there. If I need him.
And I always do. For exactly what he does.

Day 7- Motivation.

I was actually going to write this yesterday, but I totally spaced.
I woke up really early this morning. Whenever I wake up super early, I have a hard time getting my bones to move. And if I don't get out and run first thing… I have a really hard time mustering up the motivation to actually go do what I need to do. I think this is the first time I've written before I've run. But I was thinking yesterday how my goal cannot be self-hatred.
I can't motivate myself that way. I want to. I feel like I would get so much more done. Haha! But I can't. I need something positive behind me, pushing me on.
So I changed my goal from losing weight… to Running the entire way. I want to be strong enough to run from the moment I step out the door, till the moment I come back in. I feel like that is what momentum is all about. Because once you lose weight, what is there left to do? But if your goal is something that is challenging you do be better, stronger, more persistent…. you are learning a greater lesson, acting towards a positive. Moving in a direction of health, rather than personal satisfaction. Sure. It would be nice to slim down. But if my goal is greater than just slimming down, then I am more likely to stay healthier longer.
You know… I can really feel it this morning. Not soreness… that's worn off. But strength. I felt stronger when I woke up. I felt like my feet touching the ground was not the act of gravity pulling me down, but the muscles holding me up.
Maybe that's silly. Maybe you can't feel something like that 6 days into doing it. But even if it is all in my head… it's a nice feeling!
Ok. No more procrastinating… I'm going. I'm going to run two loops today. Just to see if I can. ^_^
I just realized I should post pics of where I run! So you can see where I go and what I see. And my hill. Haha! Alright. That's another plan.
WISH ME LUCK!!

Day Four of Run/Walking

Today was definitely the hardest so far. I woke up early to make Chris breakfast and to do the devotional. But we couldn't actually FIND the devotional. So we just sat and prayed for a while together. I'm going to try to find the devotional today, but I have no idea where we could have stuck it, so I don't know where to begin. 

Then, after Chris left, I caved to my craving and had a second breakfast. I couldn't resist! The breakfast casserole I made was too good!!!

It's not just that I had a second breakfast… my second breakfast included bread. A bagel to be precise. It's hard to avoid bread. I love it so. But I am trying. 

I thought I would make it up with an extra long run, but not only was it really hard to get motivated to run, it was really hot outside. And I'm sore from running the past three days. So I didn't push myself as far as I would have liked. Though… I think I'm beginning to actually feel a difference. I used to run in spurts, short spurts. But today I managed to run from the top of the hill all the way to the dinky little bridge-type thing. So I feel like that's progress. I also walked the last block holding my arms out and pulsing upward so I was getting more of an upper body work out. I can feel it in my sides under my ribs. Progress. 

And, though I didn't run a mile without breaking a sweat, (More like walked most of a quarter mile, breaking more sweat than women should) I did actually GO. And that is a pretty positive thing. ^_^ GO ME!!!

Only 360 more days of this. >.<

Running, Swimming, and Purpose

Day 3 of running! Well… walk-jogging… And one of those days was actually a hike down the side of a mountain and a long swim in the ocean. But still!!! I have woken up sore every day and that is a pretty good feeling.
Guam is perfection. I swear. There is nothing like the beaches here. I love them! I love them with a fiery passion!!! You can't help but love them. You can forgive the distance from family, the boredom, the loneliness… When you are standing in the ocean and the rain is hitting the water and making it spring back up… and the ocean is so warm, but the rain is even warmer, and your love kisses you with salt-stained lips and the world is absolutely perfect.

There is nothing like it.

You know, it's funny where you can find purpose… I feel like I have been purposeless for a while now… And maybe, for a little while, health can be my purpose. Running. Feeling like I'm doing SOMETHING to change my life and make it better. 

I don't know. Maybe that's silly. But it's making me happy so far. And I want to be the type of person who is driven to do something! You know… It's been pretty easy so far, too… I think that's why I feel like maybe this is a good purpose for me to have. Because I WANT to do it. 

Anyway. I don't know what I'm rambling about. 

I think exorcising is just making me happy, and when I'm happy… I ramble!

Self image

Skinny, fat, in-between.
Why is it, I never look like what I think I look like? When I was little, I didn't care. But as soon as I turned... I don't know... 10? I think I began to dress like a tent. Baggy shirts. Sweaters. I was so self-conscious, I would endure outrageous heat to cover as much of my body as I could in sweaters and long pants. If I ever tried to wear smaller shirts, sleeveless shirts, shorts, I felt like everyone was staring at me... Judging me. Making me feel chubby.
But looking back at my photos of what I looked like back in the fifth grade, I look amazing! Maybe not amazing... But a lot better than I thought I did. Why do I look better than I think I did when I think I look bad... and look worse when I think I look amazing?
I want to teach my child to be proud of what they look like. No matter what they look like. How do you teach that? I don't know. I have NO idea. Because I was told I was pretty, I was compared and contrasted, and I've known that my family saw me a particular way. So why didn't I feel like that person? Why was I so obsessed with the idea that I needed to cover up?
I was googling "What do men like women to wear" And EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE says, well, this look is nice, that look is cool (all of them a balance of form-fitting, cleavage bearing, high heels, and casual, a little bit undone, chillness...) but ultimately, as long as the girl looks happy, confident, and secure in herself, it doesn't matter if she's wearing a carpet dress and paper bags on her feet!
Why isn't that TAUGHT better? I don't understand. Why do people get caught up in trends and fashion when it doesn't matter... it's not going to look good on everyone... And it doesn't really make anyone all that happy?
There's that show called Ugly Betty, where the fat unfortunate braces girl is obsessed with fashion. It makes her so "happy". She's read every magazine about it. She knows it through and through. But she never changes herself. She love what SHE wears. Crazy clashing colors... HUGE bows, high collars, awful patterns. And the more you watch her, the more you forget she's supposed to be ugly, because she gains a confidence without actually changing anything about her appearance! I don't know anyone who has worn braces quite so long. But still... She's a successful business woman, dealing with cruel co-workers, people who just generally look down on the world because they were born with whatever super secret entity the media cashes in on (I think it might be anorexia), and she still manages to make YOU, the watcher, see her as beautiful. Worthy. Wonderful. Attractive. But they never actually talk about that. That's not the point of the show.
That's just what I took away from it.
Anyway…
I don't feel like wait is a good indicator of health either. Most people judge fat people for being fat like they are self-harming on purpose and "don't they know that's really unhealthy?" Can't they just… Change?
And I really hate that. I would rather be overweight than underweight, I swear to you!!!

Anyway, I have been thinking about weight a lot because moving to a warmer climate… apparently means drastically changing your diet. Because your metabolism slows down in the heat. So I have been eating the same way I have always eaten, and my belly keeps growing! So, since it's New Years and all… I am resolving to go running everyday. Or walking at least. With intermittent running. And hopefully I will be able to run the whole way in a couple of months. But I'm going to do it!!! EVERYDAY!! So to motivate myself, I think I'm going to write about it on here.
I'm also going to try to eat less, with more veggies. AND NO MORE SNACKING. Or eating out. And I'm ONLY going to drink water. It's good for your skin, your inside bits… everything. So that's my plan.
Oh please oh please!!! I hope I can stick it out!! I really want to! I want to be one of those people with the reveals, you know? Like… "I left a little hefty, but I'm coming back sexy!"

When I see my family in a year I would like to:
-Be at least 20 pounds lighter. (Though I won't stop just because I hit that weight…)
-Be a great deal tanner. (Come on sunshine!)
-Have longer hair. (Though, that's not something I have a lot of power over, it's just going to happen.)
-Feel more grown up. (Again, I'm not sure what I can do about that, but I am trying.)

And as for my mind….
I want to do a daily devotional and cut down watching TV by about… 95%. I think those two are going to be the most difficult. Honestly, if I didn't watch TV so much… I don't know what I would do with my day! But I guess I'm going to find out.

I have already put this plan into motion, since I went on a walk/jog this morning for about an hour. But I'm going to post of pictures to help motivate myself. Don't judge. I'm not that handy with a camera.

So. This is what I have become.
But hopefully… with in a few months I may see some changes. And before I know it, this chubby, lazy, uncomfortable version of myself will become a distant memory. And I will happy go out in a bikini.

Or not. But I am dreaming big!!!