Something miraculous has happened this Christmas. I have almost everything done... and I'm only a week into December. I was determined to have my shopping done in November, and I'm so close, I can almost taste it. I have been wrapping gifts and putting together my packages for my family. I want to make sure that everything is delivered before Christmas, but I never thought I'd actually DO it. And yet, here I am... my brother and sister-in-law's gifts are wrapped and ready to go. All the nieces, done. My brother, done. My younger sister, done. My older sister, almost done, but not quite. (I need a box for a complicated gift). My bro-in-law, done. My dad has long-since been taken care of. His gift is even there already. My mom, my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law are really the only ones who I desperately need to take care of. My mom's gift is more of a project, and I want to get her something else as well. My mother-in-law is always so hard to buy for and for some reason the second I got married, it became my responsibility to buy gifts for all his family? It wasn't a responsibility I was prepared for. And its not one that I'm very good at either.
I kind of want to get something else for Evie. I don't have a big present for her. I have lots of fun little ones, but I really want to get her a little play piano. I think she would love that. Maybe some more books, I love reading to her and she loves being read to.
I feel like even though I put all this effort into gifts every year, its never enough. I want to give as much as I love... and that's just not possible.
With all this time, though, I want to be able to focus on what this season is really all about. I want to take the time to enjoy all the good things about Christmas. Making cookies. Decorating. Spending time with family. Driving around and seeing all the lights. But more than anything, listening to God, spending time with him, and giving him the attention he deserves.
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Saturday, December 7, 2019
Showing up with God
I have been feeling such a loss of faith, more and more, as I grow as an adult. It’s not as easy to show up and put in the work to find my faith as it was when I was young. Especially since I was blessed with the privilege of going to private school 2-12 grade. Being surrounded by other people my age who knew and loved God, being required to attend chapel, vespars, and church was like a cheat code to feeling connected to a higher power.
But this year, I want to restart my whole life... I want to show up. Even when it feels fake. Even when I feel like I feel nothing, have no faith, and barely believe in the truth of God. I’m going to show up anyway.
I started this blog at the beginning of the year, a half-baked thought, a determination to try. I think I gave up because I didn't have faith in myself. And yet here I am... almost exactly a year later. And I have. I have really tried. I have shown up, I have followed my faith, I have carved out the smallest, saddest path to God I can. I have been doing my devotions, talking with my mother, my sister-in-law, my sisters, my husband. I have been trying and with help. And while I haven't felt some magical coming-to-God moment, and I don't know that I've truly given up my doubts, I do feel closer to the truth. Reading the Bible is wonderfully comforting, if not a little frustrating at times. I have so many questions, so much confusion when I read certain passages. Verses where I feel sure that I'm supposed to find understanding, only boggle me.
I am learning I am showing up. And I do feel like I'm on the right path. I thank God every day for his patience with me. I am determined to get to know Him. I long for Him with every second of my day, every breath in my body, and every confusing moment. I can't say that I know what I'm doing, or if this is the way to find him. But I am still chipping away at the wall of unbelief in me.
Bob Goff says in his book "Love Does" that he felt like he was stalking God. Instead of seeking a relationship, he was searching for facts. He was learning everything he could about God, but not actually nurturing a real, active friendship with his Creator. I feel like that's where I am right now. I'm still in the stalking phase. I'm looking at God through other people trying to figure out how to let him into my life in a real and active way. I haven't quite gotten there yet. But I'm not giving up.
I have completed 51 devotions this year, that's almost a devotion a week, though that was completely by accident and there were definitely weeks where I didn't seek God at all. I am working on three devotions right now, one about loving my husband well (sometimes I feel like I put my husband into the God role, and I often feel the most understood when I'm fostering my relationship with my spouse through God's word), one about Christmas (I admit that this feels familiar in a way that doesn't bring much understanding... same old verses said in the same old way and I don't feel the conviction of truth that most people who are seeking God talk about finding) and a 365 day devotion with my mom to read the whole bible in a year. This one is the most compelling for me. 1) I have never read the whole Bible and feel like a bad christian for never having even attempted it, and 2) the reader and writer for this devotion really does feel like a true leader for relationship instead of religion. I don't always agree with him. I don't always feel compelled to actually do the devotion, but I am inspired to keep going.
And that's what I'm doing right now. I'm just showing up with God. I hope that this leads to actually feeling His presence in my life, letting Him lead me, and give a REAL example for my children to follow.
But this year, I want to restart my whole life... I want to show up. Even when it feels fake. Even when I feel like I feel nothing, have no faith, and barely believe in the truth of God. I’m going to show up anyway.
I started this blog at the beginning of the year, a half-baked thought, a determination to try. I think I gave up because I didn't have faith in myself. And yet here I am... almost exactly a year later. And I have. I have really tried. I have shown up, I have followed my faith, I have carved out the smallest, saddest path to God I can. I have been doing my devotions, talking with my mother, my sister-in-law, my sisters, my husband. I have been trying and with help. And while I haven't felt some magical coming-to-God moment, and I don't know that I've truly given up my doubts, I do feel closer to the truth. Reading the Bible is wonderfully comforting, if not a little frustrating at times. I have so many questions, so much confusion when I read certain passages. Verses where I feel sure that I'm supposed to find understanding, only boggle me.
I am learning I am showing up. And I do feel like I'm on the right path. I thank God every day for his patience with me. I am determined to get to know Him. I long for Him with every second of my day, every breath in my body, and every confusing moment. I can't say that I know what I'm doing, or if this is the way to find him. But I am still chipping away at the wall of unbelief in me.
Bob Goff says in his book "Love Does" that he felt like he was stalking God. Instead of seeking a relationship, he was searching for facts. He was learning everything he could about God, but not actually nurturing a real, active friendship with his Creator. I feel like that's where I am right now. I'm still in the stalking phase. I'm looking at God through other people trying to figure out how to let him into my life in a real and active way. I haven't quite gotten there yet. But I'm not giving up.
I have completed 51 devotions this year, that's almost a devotion a week, though that was completely by accident and there were definitely weeks where I didn't seek God at all. I am working on three devotions right now, one about loving my husband well (sometimes I feel like I put my husband into the God role, and I often feel the most understood when I'm fostering my relationship with my spouse through God's word), one about Christmas (I admit that this feels familiar in a way that doesn't bring much understanding... same old verses said in the same old way and I don't feel the conviction of truth that most people who are seeking God talk about finding) and a 365 day devotion with my mom to read the whole bible in a year. This one is the most compelling for me. 1) I have never read the whole Bible and feel like a bad christian for never having even attempted it, and 2) the reader and writer for this devotion really does feel like a true leader for relationship instead of religion. I don't always agree with him. I don't always feel compelled to actually do the devotion, but I am inspired to keep going.
And that's what I'm doing right now. I'm just showing up with God. I hope that this leads to actually feeling His presence in my life, letting Him lead me, and give a REAL example for my children to follow.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Baby Number 2
The fear that washed over me when I saw those two lines appear on the stick was so real and raw. I’m not ready. Evie’s not ready. She’s still breastfeeding! I only miscarried 3 months ago!! This is too soon. And yet... I knew it was coming. The night of conception, I knew this was going to be the result. Even as I lay in the aftermath and panic washed over me as I counted and realized I had lost a week between Christmas and New Years... I knew I was going to get pregnant.
I had asked if Petal would mind if I took the morning after pill. Just the one that postponed your ovulation. Nothing awful. Not the abortion pill people think it is. Just a rush of hormones to push back your egg dropping a little bit. But he said we should trust God.
So now what, God? I trust this is your plan... but I didn’t stop worrying about it for many many months.
Now, I look down at my perfect baby boy, and I know now what God knew then. What an incredible blessing. What an incredible journey to meet my rainbow baby. My little slow moving sloth boy. My husband’s newest best friend. Soon, my daughter will have a perfect playmate. God even knew to make him bald so my vicious hair-pulling two year old would be rendered unable to inflict pain!
And in five short months... we move home again! Home to my family’s town. Home to my beat friend. Home to Cali. Home.
All I have is peace. Joy. And so. Much. Thankfulness.
I had asked if Petal would mind if I took the morning after pill. Just the one that postponed your ovulation. Nothing awful. Not the abortion pill people think it is. Just a rush of hormones to push back your egg dropping a little bit. But he said we should trust God.
So now what, God? I trust this is your plan... but I didn’t stop worrying about it for many many months.
Now, I look down at my perfect baby boy, and I know now what God knew then. What an incredible blessing. What an incredible journey to meet my rainbow baby. My little slow moving sloth boy. My husband’s newest best friend. Soon, my daughter will have a perfect playmate. God even knew to make him bald so my vicious hair-pulling two year old would be rendered unable to inflict pain!
And in five short months... we move home again! Home to my family’s town. Home to my beat friend. Home to Cali. Home.
All I have is peace. Joy. And so. Much. Thankfulness.
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