My mother-in-law passed away last Wednesday. I have had a very challenging relationship with her. Since the day we met, she never quite warmed to me. Nor I to her. I have written and deleted many blogs about the little hurts, perceived offenses, and overall poor quality of our communication. When you marry the oldest and favorite son to an undiagnosed narcissist… it’s guaranteed to have some highs and lows. But her choices finally caught up to her and her liver failed a month ago, bringing her in and out of the hospital and finally… took her life just after New Year’s. My husband knew she wasn’t doing well and bought a plane ticket home, realized she was worse than he thought and moved his ticket up… and was in the air when I got the news that she passed away. We kept the news from him while he traveled, but after he landed and was picked up by his brother, he finally heard the news. It was devastating. He didn’t make it in time to say goodbye, but he wasn’t with our little family either. So he was just… at sea in his loss.
What do you do when someone you struggled with trusting… is just gone? She was complicated. She loved my husband and our children and loved me in a way as well. She had her traumas and her demons. I think even if she had been a healthy person, our personalities would have clashed anyway. Her sense of humor was different than mine… she was a fan of schadenfreude. Her love languages were different than mine. Her communication style was different than mine. She prided herself on being direct… but I never experienced that. All I experienced were long-held grudges I’d hear about secondhand.
But when times were good and she chose to love me instead of resent me, we got along well. And when someone loves your kids, its easy to look past personal slights. Towards what turned out to be the end of her life, she was never really around. She was drunk or hiding a majority of the time. Part of me thought it was me she was avoiding. But really, she was just battling her own demons.
Since she’s passed, there’s this expected sense of sadness, but also some anger, which has caught me by surprise. She never let me address anything. We never had a real conversation. We never bridged the gaps. I loved her in a way. She could be very generous. When she wanted to get along, she was fun to be around. She always had the latest family gossip. She’s my kids’ grandmother. She was always available for my husband. But in a lot of ways, it will be easier to visit my husband’s family. No more weird tension and resentment. No more thinly veiled “jokes”. No more boundary-pushing. But no closure either.
A family friend of my husband, a woman around my age who grew up with my husband and is practically family, has been posting a lot on facebook about her sorrow over losing my mother-in-law. Beautiful posts about who she was and how loving she was and how much of a mentor and spiritual advisor she could be to this girl. And I can’t help but feel angry.
I’m angry about this girl’s version of my MIL. I’m angry that she never was that person with me. I’m angry that she never tried to mentor or guide or love me or my sister-in-law in a way that felt genuine. I’m mad that she guarded herself against me when I never wanted to be her enemy. I’m angry that she blamed me for problems that were either her’s, my husband’s, or some combo of all of us. I’m angry that she left behind good memories with people who barely knew her or people used to know her, and left resentment and unaddressed problems with people who were close with her. I’m mad that so many of us have started looking at ourselves as the problem when she wouldn’t let any of us in, not really. I’m mad that I can’t be completely sad. I don’t want to be angry with a dead person. But nothing was ever resolved. She held people who should have been close at arms length. And treated people who were further removed like close friends.
I’m mad that she was so secretive, close friends didn’t even know she was sick. No one deserves to lose someone the way we’ve all lost my mother-in-law.
I’m mad that my husband never did anything. He never stood up to her for herself or for me. He listened to her when she listed her laundry list of complaints about me. He leaned into her enabling of his selfish behavior. He copped out until he didn’t have to deal with it anymore. I’m mad that he blames himself because even if he HAD said the hard things, she probably wouldn’t have changed. And it makes me so mad that I thought I’d have more time. Why didn’t I just say what needed saying when it needed to be said? Why did I hide or gossip behind her back or smile and overshare until I lost it over stupid shit because I was never really genuine with her… why didn’t I lean into the freedom of being labeled a black sheep in her mind and just be myself and stop trying to conform to her impossible standards?
I wish my kids were sad she’s gone. But after we moved to California, she never really engaged with them. And towards the end of her life, for about two years, she barely came around at all and I avoided going to see her. And since we moved to Germany, she never called to talk to them, never video chatted. She would chat with my husband trying to force an emotional connection, secretive phone calls that would end if she knew I was in the room… and she never asked about the kids. So when I told them she was gone… they took it in stride. My oldest only got emotional when she talked with her grandfather and knew he was sad.
How do you let someone go… how do you grieve… when you were never allowed to get close?
