Blogging for blogging's sake

I have been trying to blog at least once a week since I started following the Artist's Way, and it's not always easy to come up with ideas. Nothing's really happened this week to inspire any noteworthy feelings. So I am forced to just sort of babble in order to crank out a goal's worth of blog to feel confident about my artistic progress.
 My sister has been so good to me lately. Ever since our colossal fight, we've managed to talk at least a few times a week. If not more. She's been more attentive and interactive and even when she doesn't have time or energy to video chat or talk on the phone, she'll message me via facebook to make sure I know she's not just thoughtlessly blowing me off and that she loves me. I haven't felt so very far away lately, and that's pretty much been wholly her effort and attention. Her love has not gone unnoticed. Maybe we are best friends after all. ^_^
  Today is my best friend's birthday and I feel like I'm so useless, I love her so much, but I can't DO anything for her from this far away. Plus, I spent the day with my only friend here having a really nice time, and I can't help but feel guilty. I should be there, with her, making her day special. One day I hope to be able to make up for all the missed holidays and celebrations!
  Why does "awful" mean "bad"? I mean... "Awesome" means "good". And "awe" means "to be in a state of wonder" (or something, I didn't look it up or anything). So how did "awful" come to mean something negative? I don't know. Just a random thought.
 My little Ducky started waving recently! It's so cute! It's more of a grabbing at people, but I count it at waving. She first did it for my mother-in-law, but now she's done it to our orange cat, my sister over video message, and my mother over video message. It's the best darn thing yet!! Aside from her laughing. And her hugs when she's really excited and happy to see me. And her smile, of course. But waving is definitely up there.

Unrequited friendship

Not quite as reviled, revered, or respected as unrequited love, unrequited friendship is undoubtedly the eviler of the twins. For every whiney, entitled male wingeing on about a girl “friendzoning” him is a girl confused by a guy who always seemed so nice, ditching her when he couldn’t get into her pants. Friendship has value. Friendship is important. Friendship is the building blocks of every great relationship (and the shiny victory at the end of every parent-child relationship).
I think that’s why it hurts so much. Being heartbroken when someone says that you aren’t their best friend. Or worse, that they aren’t even your friend.
Just sisters.
I thought we were all three best friends.
It was months ago that my younger sister, the one who I’ve always let down, made it clear she and I were only sisters. That my oldest sister was her best friend. I kind of took the defeat, knowing I had laid a crummy foundation for trust, love, reciprocation... it wasn’t totally a surprise when she had said it. I have changed a lot since high school, but I cannot change the mistakes I made and J cannot tell her to let it go, so I strive to replace bad memories with good ones, always slipping back when I think I’m making progress. So, while I took that burden of truth, it still hurt. It was still a shard of ice to the warmth of my desire to heal all the transgressions of my past and help her regain the confidence I had taken away from her.
But today I was confronted with the fact that my older sister feels the same way. This was a surprise. I thought it was equal. Equal, but different. The kind of love a mother has for her children, each a favorite in a specific and unique way.
Not so.
Maybe it’s the distance. Maybe it’s sibling rivalry. Maybe it’s a million stupid things I’ve done and said in my life.
But they pick each other to be friends. Best friends.
And as she so elegantly put it, “Stop saying we’re friends, because we’re not. We’re just sisters.”
I thank God for my husband. I thank God for my child.
I thank God for my mother and for my friend.
Because this rejection... makes me think of a thousand ways I’ve hurt the two people who know me best. The two people I am most like. The two people that are my braid of strength, winding in and out of me, so entwined in who they are, I have found myself. My strength, my intelligence, my humor, my soul is just made up of little pieces of them.
But they don’t want me.
And that makes me want to die.
God, help me be stronger than this hurt.

Cracks in the window

A pebble hit my window
I want to ignore the chip.
But soon I see the splintering crack
Begin to grow and rip.
His words were dealt in thoughtlessness
And flung without a care
And left me sobbing, hopeless
Feeling raw and bare.
The crack has spread across my vision
But I still pretend I can’t see
Spiderwebs of fractured glass
A tiny chip left unfixed has cost a hefty fee.
Maybe if he had been softer
Had explained his insecurity
I could have carefully locked my heart.
But that was my immaturity.
Whenever the weather changes,
The glass cracks a little more.
I’m forced to face the pebble’s damage
That wasn’t there before.
I had such high hopes in my marriage
Looked with rose colored glasses on.
But then he threw a pebble.
And my ignorant bliss is gone.

But when I opened my heart
And showed him the shattered picture
He wrapped me in strong safe arms
And his words became my scripture
“I hate that you’re so hurt.
I hate that it’s all my fault.
I hate that I have cringed
When all I want is to exalt.
There’s so much time to fix this.
I’m ready to begin the work.
Give you confidence, love, and courage
For every single hurt.”

So we’re replacing the window
With a mosaic of colored glass
A patchwork rainbow the sun can shine through
In out marriage that will last.