Unrequited friendship

Not quite as reviled, revered, or respected as unrequited love, unrequited friendship is undoubtedly the eviler of the twins. For every whiney, entitled male wingeing on about a girl “friendzoning” him is a girl confused by a guy who always seemed so nice, ditching her when he couldn’t get into her pants. Friendship has value. Friendship is important. Friendship is the building blocks of every great relationship (and the shiny victory at the end of every parent-child relationship).
I think that’s why it hurts so much. Being heartbroken when someone says that you aren’t their best friend. Or worse, that they aren’t even your friend.
Just sisters.
I thought we were all three best friends.
It was months ago that my younger sister, the one who I’ve always let down, made it clear she and I were only sisters. That my oldest sister was her best friend. I kind of took the defeat, knowing I had laid a crummy foundation for trust, love, reciprocation... it wasn’t totally a surprise when she had said it. I have changed a lot since high school, but I cannot change the mistakes I made and J cannot tell her to let it go, so I strive to replace bad memories with good ones, always slipping back when I think I’m making progress. So, while I took that burden of truth, it still hurt. It was still a shard of ice to the warmth of my desire to heal all the transgressions of my past and help her regain the confidence I had taken away from her.
But today I was confronted with the fact that my older sister feels the same way. This was a surprise. I thought it was equal. Equal, but different. The kind of love a mother has for her children, each a favorite in a specific and unique way.
Not so.
Maybe it’s the distance. Maybe it’s sibling rivalry. Maybe it’s a million stupid things I’ve done and said in my life.
But they pick each other to be friends. Best friends.
And as she so elegantly put it, “Stop saying we’re friends, because we’re not. We’re just sisters.”
I thank God for my husband. I thank God for my child.
I thank God for my mother and for my friend.
Because this rejection... makes me think of a thousand ways I’ve hurt the two people who know me best. The two people I am most like. The two people that are my braid of strength, winding in and out of me, so entwined in who they are, I have found myself. My strength, my intelligence, my humor, my soul is just made up of little pieces of them.
But they don’t want me.
And that makes me want to die.
God, help me be stronger than this hurt.