I haven't been apart from my little duck since the day she was born for more than a few hours. I suppose I could count the time she slept over at my mom's house when I was trying to wean her, but I was only a few yards away at my grandma's... was there for bedtime and for breakfast, so does it really count?
But now we're hundreds and hundreds of miles apart for the first time. It's so quiet. It's so lonely. I'm desperate to know everything she's thinking every second we're apart. Is she having fun? What does she think of the plane? Is she getting enough attention? Is she having fun with her family?
Obviously, intellectually I know most of the answers to these questions. But emotionally I want to be there with her. She's a little piece of my soul, wandering around, exploring the world. She used to be inside me. And then she lived off of me. Now, she's an independent little creature, able to go far off with other people.
My son is sound asleep near me and I wonder how long it will be before he can go off without me. A few short years. That concept is so mind-boggling. That years suddenly feel short.
Looking back to how I felt right after high school, it felt like I was never gonna get married. Looking back into the first few years of me being married, it felt like I was never going to have children. I was so desperate for it. For these big life events to happen RIGHT NOW. But the truth is... they did happen fast. They weren't slow, weren't a long process. It felt long and impossible... until it happened. And then suddenly my period of waiting seemed so short. Its a fact of adulthood that I am faced with over and over again. It's something that's been said to me for as long as I can remember. But somehow, these life-truths don't become real until you've lived through it.
I'm going to be 28 in two short months. 28, waiting for my husband to come join me at our new base. So many things have changed, and here we go, ending up back where we first met. Life is funny that way. It's made us both pretty reflective lately.
I miss him. I miss my little girl. But all too soon this little vacation from real life will end and we'll be back to the craziness of all of us here, packing up for the move. I'm going to try to enjoy these days while I can. Even though they kind of suck in their own way.
Thursday, January 23, 2020
Thursday, January 9, 2020
POOOOOOP!!! I suck.
I suck. I mean it. There are days that I really really truly SUCK. I mean, I fall so short of who I could be that I feel like I don't even know how to associate myself with that person.
It happens when I'm mad. It happens when I joke. It happens when I don't think. It happens when I mean it. When I mean it so much and then an hour, or a night, or a few days, or years go by and then I look back and I think... "Why did I mean that??? Why did I feel that way? Think like that?? Why did I ever SAY or DO or let myself BELIEVE that??"
I have to acknowledge where I have fallen so short of who I am in a giant, ego-crushing, eat-my-pride, look-myself-straight-in-the-eyes-and-say"YOU SUCK" kind of way that I'm not even sure of who I am anymore.
And it's good. It's miserable and hard and HORRIBLE. I cannot ask for forgiveness and expect it. I cannot just ignore it. I have to live in a place of true self-actualized truth that I suck sometimes. And it's so much better than ego. It is. I want to break down those horrible habits. I have to CHANGE my thought-process. Every horrible, selfish, self-righteous moment of short-sighted judgement and pity-partying idealism that I have indulged in... I want to use these to become more like my mom. More like my sister. More like the person God wants me to be. It's barf-worthy. It's disgusting. But I am so happy to go through it, come face to face with who I am and can be and use that to CHANGE. Truly change. I don't want to be who I was. I don't want to be who I am. I want to grow into someone that can be trusted. That can be vulnerable. That is kinder, truer, more patient, more loving. Someone who you can tell a secret to and know it can be kept. That can be told something hard and not judge you for it.
I thank God for these opportunities. I don't want to stay stagnant, self-righteous, judgemental. I want to be better for the people who are always so good to me.
It happens when I'm mad. It happens when I joke. It happens when I don't think. It happens when I mean it. When I mean it so much and then an hour, or a night, or a few days, or years go by and then I look back and I think... "Why did I mean that??? Why did I feel that way? Think like that?? Why did I ever SAY or DO or let myself BELIEVE that??"
I have to acknowledge where I have fallen so short of who I am in a giant, ego-crushing, eat-my-pride, look-myself-straight-in-the-eyes-and-say"YOU SUCK" kind of way that I'm not even sure of who I am anymore.
And it's good. It's miserable and hard and HORRIBLE. I cannot ask for forgiveness and expect it. I cannot just ignore it. I have to live in a place of true self-actualized truth that I suck sometimes. And it's so much better than ego. It is. I want to break down those horrible habits. I have to CHANGE my thought-process. Every horrible, selfish, self-righteous moment of short-sighted judgement and pity-partying idealism that I have indulged in... I want to use these to become more like my mom. More like my sister. More like the person God wants me to be. It's barf-worthy. It's disgusting. But I am so happy to go through it, come face to face with who I am and can be and use that to CHANGE. Truly change. I don't want to be who I was. I don't want to be who I am. I want to grow into someone that can be trusted. That can be vulnerable. That is kinder, truer, more patient, more loving. Someone who you can tell a secret to and know it can be kept. That can be told something hard and not judge you for it.
I thank God for these opportunities. I don't want to stay stagnant, self-righteous, judgemental. I want to be better for the people who are always so good to me.
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