POOOOOOP!!! I suck.

I suck. I mean it. There are days that I really really truly SUCK. I mean, I fall so short of who I could be that I feel like I don't even know how to associate myself with that person.
  It happens when I'm mad. It happens when I joke. It happens when I don't think. It happens when I mean it. When I mean it so much and then an hour, or a night, or a few days, or years go by and then I look back and I think... "Why did I mean that??? Why did I feel that way? Think like that?? Why did I ever SAY or DO or let myself BELIEVE that??"
  I have to acknowledge where I have fallen so short of who I am in a giant, ego-crushing, eat-my-pride, look-myself-straight-in-the-eyes-and-say"YOU SUCK" kind of way that I'm not even sure of who I am anymore.
   And it's good. It's miserable and hard and HORRIBLE. I cannot ask for forgiveness and expect it. I cannot just ignore it. I have to live in a place of true self-actualized truth that I suck sometimes. And it's so much better than ego. It is. I want to break down those horrible habits. I have to CHANGE my thought-process. Every horrible, selfish, self-righteous moment of short-sighted judgement and pity-partying idealism that I have indulged in... I want to use these to become more like my mom. More like my sister. More like the person God wants me to be. It's barf-worthy. It's disgusting. But I am so happy to go through it, come face to face with who I am and can be and use that to CHANGE. Truly change. I don't want to be who I was. I don't want to be who I am. I want to grow into someone that can be trusted. That can be vulnerable. That is kinder, truer, more patient, more loving. Someone who you can tell a secret to and know it can be kept. That can be told something hard and not judge you for it.
  I thank God for these opportunities. I don't want to stay stagnant, self-righteous, judgemental. I want to be better for the people who are always so good to me.