Showing up with God

   I have been feeling such a loss of faith, more and more, as I grow as an adult. It’s not as easy to show up and put in the work to find my faith as it was when I was young. Especially since I was blessed with the privilege of going to private school 2-12 grade. Being surrounded by other people my age who knew and loved God, being required to attend chapel, vespars, and church was like a cheat code to feeling connected to a higher power.
   But this year, I want to restart my whole life... I want to show up. Even when it feels fake. Even when I feel like I feel nothing, have no faith, and barely believe in the truth of God. I’m going to show up anyway.

   I started this blog at the beginning of the year, a half-baked thought, a determination to try. I think I gave up because I didn't have faith in myself. And yet here I am... almost exactly a year later. And I have. I have really tried. I have shown up, I have followed my faith, I have carved out the smallest, saddest path to God I can. I have been doing my devotions, talking with my mother, my sister-in-law, my sisters, my husband. I have been trying and with help. And while I haven't felt some magical coming-to-God moment, and I don't know that I've truly given up my doubts, I do feel closer to the truth. Reading the Bible is wonderfully comforting, if not a little frustrating at times. I have so many questions, so much confusion when I read certain passages. Verses where I feel sure that I'm supposed to find understanding, only boggle me.

   I am learning I am showing up. And I do feel like I'm on the right path. I thank God every day for his patience with me. I am determined to get to know Him. I long for Him with every second of my day, every breath in my body, and every confusing moment. I can't say that I know what I'm doing, or if this is the way to find him. But I am still chipping away at the wall of unbelief in me.

  Bob Goff says in his book "Love Does" that he felt like he was stalking God. Instead of seeking a relationship, he was searching for facts. He was learning everything he could about God, but not actually nurturing a real, active friendship with his Creator. I feel like that's where I am right now. I'm still in the stalking phase. I'm looking at God through other people trying to figure out how to let him into my life in a real and active way. I haven't quite gotten there yet. But I'm not giving up.

  I have completed 51 devotions this year, that's almost a devotion a week, though that was completely by accident and there were definitely weeks where I didn't seek God at all. I am working on three devotions right now, one about loving my husband well (sometimes I feel like I put my husband into the God role, and I often feel the most understood when I'm fostering my relationship with my spouse through God's word), one about Christmas (I admit that this feels familiar in a way that doesn't bring much understanding... same old verses said in the same old way and I don't feel the conviction of truth that most people who are seeking God talk about finding) and a 365 day devotion with my mom to read the whole bible in a year. This one is the most compelling for me. 1) I have never read the whole Bible and feel like a bad christian for never having even attempted it, and 2) the reader and writer for this devotion really does feel like a true leader for relationship instead of religion. I don't always agree with him. I don't always feel compelled to actually do the devotion, but I am inspired to keep going.

And that's what I'm doing right now. I'm just showing up with God. I hope that this leads to actually feeling His presence in my life, letting Him lead me, and give a REAL example for my children to follow.