Why is it, I never look like what I think I look like? When I was little, I didn't care. But as soon as I turned... I don't know... 10? I think I began to dress like a tent. Baggy shirts. Sweaters. I was so self-conscious, I would endure outrageous heat to cover as much of my body as I could in sweaters and long pants. If I ever tried to wear smaller shirts, sleeveless shirts, shorts, I felt like everyone was staring at me... Judging me. Making me feel chubby.
But looking back at my photos of what I looked like back in the fifth grade, I look amazing! Maybe not amazing... But a lot better than I thought I did. Why do I look better than I think I did when I think I look bad... and look worse when I think I look amazing?
I want to teach my child to be proud of what they look like. No matter what they look like. How do you teach that? I don't know. I have NO idea. Because I was told I was pretty, I was compared and contrasted, and I've known that my family saw me a particular way. So why didn't I feel like that person? Why was I so obsessed with the idea that I needed to cover up?
I was googling "What do men like women to wear" And EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE says, well, this look is nice, that look is cool (all of them a balance of form-fitting, cleavage bearing, high heels, and casual, a little bit undone, chillness...) but ultimately, as long as the girl looks happy, confident, and secure in herself, it doesn't matter if she's wearing a carpet dress and paper bags on her feet!
Why isn't that TAUGHT better? I don't understand. Why do people get caught up in trends and fashion when it doesn't matter... it's not going to look good on everyone... And it doesn't really make anyone all that happy?
There's that show called Ugly Betty, where the fat unfortunate braces girl is obsessed with fashion. It makes her so "happy". She's read every magazine about it. She knows it through and through. But she never changes herself. She love what SHE wears. Crazy clashing colors... HUGE bows, high collars, awful patterns. And the more you watch her, the more you forget she's supposed to be ugly, because she gains a confidence without actually changing anything about her appearance! I don't know anyone who has worn braces quite so long. But still... She's a successful business woman, dealing with cruel co-workers, people who just generally look down on the world because they were born with whatever super secret entity the media cashes in on (I think it might be anorexia), and she still manages to make YOU, the watcher, see her as beautiful. Worthy. Wonderful. Attractive. But they never actually talk about that. That's not the point of the show.
That's just what I took away from it.
Anyway…
I don't feel like wait is a good indicator of health either. Most people judge fat people for being fat like they are self-harming on purpose and "don't they know that's really unhealthy?" Can't they just… Change?
And I really hate that. I would rather be overweight than underweight, I swear to you!!!
Anyway, I have been thinking about weight a lot because moving to a warmer climate… apparently means drastically changing your diet. Because your metabolism slows down in the heat. So I have been eating the same way I have always eaten, and my belly keeps growing! So, since it's New Years and all… I am resolving to go running everyday. Or walking at least. With intermittent running. And hopefully I will be able to run the whole way in a couple of months. But I'm going to do it!!! EVERYDAY!! So to motivate myself, I think I'm going to write about it on here.
I'm also going to try to eat less, with more veggies. AND NO MORE SNACKING. Or eating out. And I'm ONLY going to drink water. It's good for your skin, your inside bits… everything. So that's my plan.
Oh please oh please!!! I hope I can stick it out!! I really want to! I want to be one of those people with the reveals, you know? Like… "I left a little hefty, but I'm coming back sexy!"
When I see my family in a year I would like to:
-Be at least 20 pounds lighter. (Though I won't stop just because I hit that weight…)
-Be a great deal tanner. (Come on sunshine!)
-Have longer hair. (Though, that's not something I have a lot of power over, it's just going to happen.)
-Feel more grown up. (Again, I'm not sure what I can do about that, but I am trying.)
And as for my mind….
I want to do a daily devotional and cut down watching TV by about… 95%. I think those two are going to be the most difficult. Honestly, if I didn't watch TV so much… I don't know what I would do with my day! But I guess I'm going to find out.
I have already put this plan into motion, since I went on a walk/jog this morning for about an hour. But I'm going to post of pictures to help motivate myself. Don't judge. I'm not that handy with a camera.
So. This is what I have become. 
But hopefully… with in a few months I may see some changes. And before I know it, this chubby, lazy, uncomfortable version of myself will become a distant memory. And I will happy go out in a bikini.
Or not. But I am dreaming big!!!
A great and insightful post. I think that we aren't taught to feel secure because security doesn't sell. We are bombarded with messages that we are not good enough so that companies can sell us pills and jeans and perfume that will MAKE us good enough. I think you are beautiful, and I am excited to see your beauty evolve.
ReplyDelete