Back in the saddle

I wish there was a saddle. It would be nice if just riding in a saddle could be counted as exercise. But what I really mean is I am back to trying to run every day.
After a four day vacation, I have finally allowed myself to go out on my loop again. My leg felt better and I really was sick of having to go without. So! I went on a light walk.
When I got back, I looked up a stretching routine on youtube (I love Fitness Blender! A guy has this soothing easy to follow voice telling the instructions, and a girl is doing the workout. It's really comprehensive) and did a 13 minute exorcise. It was really really nice. I can feel the tension in my shin easing up.
There is something to be said for work. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love to be a stay-at-home mom without any kids. But… There is something to be said for a job. I don't know what I would want to do. I certainly wouldn't want to try to take on driving in Guam by myself (yes! I have driven… and nearly wrecked the car…). Nor would I want to wake up early to go do something I didn't love. But… Sometimes I wish I had SOMETHING to do. Like… Babysitting. Or MOPS. I used to work at MOPS. I was really really happy there. And I used to babysit all the time. But now… I don't think I've gotten to hang out with little kids since I said goodbye to my boys. I miss those guys.

Ellie, Jude, Jack, and Lena
In my wedding

I'm not complaining or anything, because I honestly am quite content. But sometimes, I feel a little at odds with myself. I don't now that I'm doing enough with my time to be considered… "Grown Up". I don't know. I wish I was just… spelled out for me. 

SARAH!!! DO THIS THIS AND THIS AND THEN YOU WILL BE DIVINELY HAPPY….

That was what I think God sounds like… With a deep voice. In all capitals.

I don't know. It's hard when living here is so up in the air. If Chris puts in the command sponsorship papers, we will be here till January 2017… And after that, who knows what we'll be doing. If he doesn't, we'll only be here till January of 2016. Which isn't THAT far away. And if he doesn't do the papers… we'll also have to move, and then what will I do?

I don't know. I just… I just don't know enough. I feel like I see myself as 100% helpmate and nothing more. But that can't be my entire purpose can it? Especially since he probably DOESN'T see himself that way. My life cannot be only about my husband.

But isn't that what God calls me to be?

I don't know. I JUST… Don't… KNOW.