I'm not who I want to be today

 I feel at odds with who I want to be and how I want to act. I feel like I have no chill, no patience, no kindness. Any kindness I do give is fake and forced. I want to be alone, disassociated all the time. I stay up way too late and then I'm resentful and grumpy in the morning. I force myself to do too much and then act put upon when someone asks more of me. I don't ask for what I need, because I'm not even sure I know what that is. Ducky is always asking me if she's done something wrong. She apologizes for nothing. And its my fault. I know it is. I snap too quickly. I overreact before I can get a handle on what's actually happening. My unpredictability causes anxiety and clinginess in my kids, which turns around and overwhelms me, so I ping-pong back and forth between too sweet and overly obliging, and a harshness that comes out of nowhere over basically nothing-annoyances. I want too much from my poor husband, who's struggling to understand, but wants so desperately to help. I only feel normal for a few hours out of the day. I have horrible bedtime revenge because I just want to belong to myself again. Disengaged doesn't begin to explain my inability to pay attention to my kids and their self-esteem. I feel like I'm ruining them and my relationship with them because I can't keep it together. I also feel so grossed out its all on me. My husband is here, trying. But ultimately, its all on me. I am their safe-place, their... I don't even know the words to explain everything I'm SUPPOSED to be because I feel so faraway from being that person. And yet they follow me around. I can't ever be alone. even if I'm in the same room with them, its never close enough. I have at least two of them ON MY BODY at all times and I feel so DONE. I don't want to hate this. I know I'm going to miss these years when they're over. But this phase is hard. Not having a home, not having a support system, not feeling comfortable outside of the base. I have no options because I can't drive, I don't have a car, I couldn't feel confident going anywhere alone or with all of the kids. So I'm just stuck here feeling like a failure.