Not sharing every thought

  I feel like I am working at not sharing every single thought that flies into my brain. I used to be very trapped in my own head. I couldn't have explained myself even if I had wanted to. Slowly and surely, I broke out of that and shared more and more of my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings. 

 Now, I have fallen into a new habit of oversharing. I want to strike a better balance. Holding things back, getting to the point, and not letting my feelings rule me or try to use my feelings to control other people. 

  I feel like I have been trying to connect with some kind of truth this year by following a devotional with my mom to read the whole bible in one year. I have felt burdened, overwhelmed, and very bored while doing it. The Bible is sort of disappointing. I want all of these deep truths to spring forth in an unheard of way. To feel convicted by who God is and how much he loves us. But that hasn't really happened. It was written by men during a time when women were second class citizens. It was confusing and passed down from person to person verbally before written down. It's half of story. It's depressing. It's violent. It talks of a violent God. I am more and more impressed upon how little I actually know God. It's not a simple book written from a perspective of love. It talks about consequence and horrors of not following God. And God chose men who weren't perfect. 

  I suppose there is a lesson in that, though. You can see his perfection beyond those he chose. 

  I don't know. I haven't had that "Hallelujah" moment I want. I have more of those when I read Bob Goff. That is a man who knows the Bible and summed it up and broke it down to the two simple rules Jesus gave. Love God. Love each other. Not just each other. Love everybody. Always. Jerks and meanies... love them. People you DO NOT understand... love them. Scary people. Gross people. The most hard to love people. See Jesus in them, and love them. 

  It's a wonderful lesson. And a goal I long to follow. Hard in practice though. 

  Lately, I have felt very self-involved. Lazy. My feelings are all turned towards myself and my own stupid pity-party. I go to a destructive place in my mind. But I have been trying to turn my focus back to God. Trying to fill my thoughts with him. Even though I don't really KNOW Him yet. The french have two words for "know". One is used when you know something. One is used when you know someone. I feel like I'm still in the stalking phase of my relationship with God. I know a lot of facts... I 279 days into a year long devotion. But I feel no closer to KNOWING God personally. I have seen his hand at work in my life. And yet... he still feels like something I have to fight to believe in. It's so strange. Logic and doubt constantly blur the picture of God and I have a hard time committing to my own belief.