The state of the world

 

I was driving through the downtown area where I live. At a four-way stop in the heart of town, each corner hosted a group of protesters. One was simply a Trump supporter rally. One was a Black Lives Matter group. One was a Police Lives Matter group. And lastly, a Child Lives Matter group. The signs bobbed. The cars honked. No minds were changed that day. 

I agree. You have a right to support Trump, or not. Black, Blue, and Child lives all matter. The pandemic does suck. People are hurting and dying and the world is going crazy. Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist Not My POTUS is really clever and kind of funny. 

But I cried. 

I completely lost it. 

I was (and am) totally overwhelmed by the sheer lack of power and control I have over the world. Not just control. But of any kind of impact at all. I will never be James Bond. I cannot infiltrate a corrupt organization/government and mow down all the baddies with a single bullet and my fists. I cannot run for office and win and change the world. It's not in my power to go back and shoot whatever dickhead thought that people with different colored skin from him would make a good product. I cannot reorganize the police to be one cohesive, well-educated, unbigoted, infallible team of protectors. I cannot save every helpless child from the satanic cults that abuse, torture, and kill them. 

So I cried instead. 

I can't look at it anymore. I can't see the posts. I can't read the message of fear anymore. My heart is so broken for the state of the world. 

Where is God in all of this? I have no control. So where is our Salvation? How can those children who know nothing but pain and fear, come face to face with the God of Love and believe? How can they find salvation when they have been taught nothing but hatred?

But I have to stop myself. I cannot let my mind spiral like that. Because I KNOW. I know my God is a God of love. I know that there is Hope. And the only thing that kills fear is HOPE. Endless eternal hope. And that is only found in the love of a God who understands the pain better than anyone living through it now. I have to put my hope in Him and not in the outcome of the world. I have no control to change the world. And if I did have that kind of power, I would use it to sin. I would murder and hurt someone else for my own ideals of justice. I couldn't have faith in anything less than a God who can forgive even the most heinous of sins from a repentant heart. 

But for now, I cannot read anymore. God has shown me my faith-shakers and I have to give my mental health a break. I cannot live in that place of fear any longer. And I think that means letting go of the idea that I have to know about it. I won't ignore it. I won't sweep it away as though it doesn't matter or it's not important or like it doesn't exist. But I cannot look into it anymore.