Anyway... Christmas is Here...

Christmas has come upon us once again. I don't know how I feel about it.
It's very very different to be in charge of my family's Christmas. I have not, nor will I probably EVER be the matriarch of the family. That role was once my nanny's, then it became my mother's, and one day, (Possibly soon since she's a determined little thing and my mom isn't so organized) my eldest sister will hold that title. And I am more than fine with that! Thrilled, even! She's the baker, the care-taker, the  worrier, the warrior. She's the one who kisses burns and bruises, her who brushes our hair. She takes on our ghosts and our bullies and battles them with poise, elegance and eloquence. She has seen my mother's role and known that one day, she will embody all the things that make my mother so wonderful.
I love my sisters. My best friends. My amazing companions. I have never been so lonely when I have sisters that fill my heart up like they do.
It's true that my youngest and I have to work to renew some of the cracks in our relationship. Just as all we have hurt must forgive us, we must do all we can to deserve it. I hurt my little sister. I cannot say it was on purpose. For so long I was a self-indulgent person. I couldn't see past the shell of my own body. And when I finally learned empathy (take a lesson mothers! Empathy is one of the last things a child learns, and some don't learn it until they are far too old to be making the same mistakes!) and tried to change, it was hard for my sister to accept it.
But we are working on it.
Why is it so much harder to believe the nice things people say? Why is it so hard to accept love and forgiveness? To trust and be happy and open to the world? They say it takes 40 positives to get back to a neutral. Just a neutral! Can you imagine? You say, "Are you sure you want to wear THAT?" And it will take 40 nice, uplifting, sweet things... just for someone to feel normal. Not happy. Just normal.
It doesn't seem fair.
How do you make up for 16 years of mean, childish hurts? I want to say, "I love you. I miss you. I care. You're beautiful. Worthwhile. Engaging. Nothing would make me hate you or want to hurt you. Nothing would make me give up on you. Nothing can, will, or wants to. You are precious. To me. Without expectation, demands, or baggage. I want to spend time with you. To see you. To hear you. To see you for who you really are and not who you think I think you are, or who I think you are, or who you think you are. I want soul to soul connection because our souls match. And we deserve to get to know each other over and over again until change isn't scary and who we are as ever-evolving beings is embraced, trusted, and given complete respect. I do not want to be judgmental. I will not condemn you. You are my sister. My sister! How lucky we are to be so blessed!"
But it's not enough. It's so much love and it falls on deaf ears sometimes. Just as her words are mute to me at times. Communication, is not a battle easily won. I want to speak nice words, until there are only memories of nice things left.
I want to give and give and give until there will never be love lost between us.
Anyway... Christmas is here. And it's strange not sharing it with my mother's family. They are still my family. But for now, I'm supposed to be making a new family with my husband. Me and my husband. It's strange that two people can be a whole family, but he gives me more than most of my family put together.
Marriage is this strange, wonderful new adventure, and I admit that I'm happier 85% of the time. But there are lows that are lower than normal. Because he is so much of my world, and I depend on him for more than I've ever had to depend on one person before.
Life is a happy thing. I know that in my heart. But sometimes you have to look a little harder for the happy than you do for the sad.
I am not sad though!!! I just think it's easier to rant about things that make you unhappy than wax poetical about things that make you just... normal happy.
Hahaha! I don't know if that makes any sense!! Maybe none of this does.
But I'm happy to ramble about nothing and everything and sort ideas into weird, badly organized blogs. :)